Amanda: *says something that Mallory finds very funny*
Mallory: “Is it too early for a Facebook relationship? Let me friend you first. …What’s your name?”

Guy in Playwriting: “I would pay money to have sex with Christian Bale, and I’m not even like, gay.”

Mark: “I can’t do a yankee accent. I can, but I’m not drunk.”

Guy in playwriting, casting for his scene: “I just need two girls.”
Mark: “Oh, so do I.”

Girl: “…And I can tell creepy: I have brother.”

Amanda: “I need morphine.”
Me: “…Why?”
Amanda: “I have a headache.”

(Joe walks in the room, Michelle is in a towell)
Joe: “Should I step out?”
Michelle: “Nah, I’m just printing.”
(Well, she was.)

Richards on masculinity: “[In the US] we have this rigid standard. Sorry.”
Class: *groan*
Richards: “It had to come.” *pause* “Haha.”
Class: *groan*

(overheard in the Nest)
Girl: “We’re on crack!”

Edmunds: “…My two favorite drugs, which are caffeine and alcohol.”

Edmunds: “Starbuck’s iced black coffee–it’s like crack; I swear there’s crack in it.”

Mother: (sung) “Interplanet Janet, she’s a–” (spoken) “What is she?”
Brinn: “BITCH.”

Johnathan: “When I scratch the back of my head–I mean my neck. It was a typo.”

Laura on toilets with water jets: “Ew, I don’t want water shot up my butt. That’s like anal sex with your toilet.”

Michelle on the thin walls in the dorm: “In this room, you can hear everything. You think you have secrets? I know them all.”

Siarra, who is a very angry driver and is waiting behind someone to turn: “What, you go when they come? Are you a prostitute?!”

(while leaving Wendy’s about a twisted Frosty)
Brinn: “What size did you get?”
Siarra: “It’s a twisted frosty. It only comes in one size: expensive.”

Question: What are the stereotypes of Asians?
Class: The usual answers. They like rice and know kung fu and are good at school.
Catherine: “They live in New Jersey.”
Class: “…”
Catherine: “At Duke, there are a lot of Asians and they’re from New Jersey because they couldn’t get into Princeton.”
Richards: “…I don’t know how to respond to that, so I’m going to move to Heather.”

(more on Asians)
Girl: “They love Hello Kitty.”
Richards: “Asians and gay men.”

(arguing about a lit canon made of black lesbians)
Richards: “What are they fighting for?”
Catherine: “Male or female?”
Richards: “There are few male lesbians.”

Watkins, during a news quiz: “This is going to prove you read your newspaper. 69 percent of men aged 18-24 know another man who has done what?”
Joey: “Was this in Sexclamations?”

Hunter, on election night just after Obama’s been called: “If you want to make sure he wins, you have to stay up ’til one.”
Joe: “If you go to sleep, he’ll lose.”

Joe, on the election still: “You have to believe hard enough. It’s like fairies. I do believe in Presidents!”
Hunter: “Does that mean if we don’t believe in Bush, he’ll die?”

Joe, about the four knitters in my building forming a knitting circle: “You can’t really have a circle with four people.”
Brinn: “You just have to round out the corners.”
Joe: “Of the people?”
Brinn: *nod*
Joe: “I’ll get my power sander.”

Coop on fundraising: “…And raised money hand over fist over fist over leg over… midsection.”

Watkins, during a news quiz: “What UMW professor just published his first novel?”
Joey: “I don’t know, but I bet he plugs it ALL THE TIME.”
(It’s Watkins with the novel)

Michelle on a dorm cooking night: “We can use the BCM and the CCM. What are they gonna say, ‘Go away; God doesn’t like you.’?”

Richards, on a white guy and a monster as a couple in Avenue Q: “If they are procreative, you get Barack Obama.”

On saving four dollars on admission to Our Town by ushering:
Richards: “If you want to save four dollars… buy cheap alcohol… You didn’t hear that.”

Cosmos: “I’m going to Baltimore tomorrow.”
Terrence: “Sketchy!”
Cosmos: “What?”
Terrence: “I said sketchy because Baltimore is sketchy.”
Cosmos: “I understand you had a few crimes in Fredericksburg.”
(a couple of girls were sexually assaulted and the owner of a popular restaurant may have been murdered by his son, among other things.)

Michelle, post-Presidential debate: “Anderson Cooper, you’re so cute. And one of these days, we’ll find out what your sexuality is.”

Coop: “They’re more willing to take the view of party, party, party. Not like, whoo! Party, party, party, but political party, party, party.”

Mike: “The Giants are gay as hell!”
Michelle: “They’re not homosexual, Michael.”

Coop: “No cake for you! If you don’t participate.”

Coop on the Sierra Club and China: “…Polar bears … PANDA BEARS! Wrong continent. I need more coffee.”

(Sex is only for reproduction)
Richards: “How was sex in the Victorian era?”
Heather: “Missionary?”
Richards: “You can be procreative in other positions.”

(In Lit class, we discussed Freud’s pleasure principle and watched a clip from ‘Into the Woods’, a broadway show that features a wolf whose costume was… well-endowed.)
Richards, on the wolf’s… junk: “And it too is hairy. No manscaping for wolves.”

(as the class is leaving)
Richards: “Enjoy your pleasure principle! Beware of wolves with junk!”

Michelle, randomly, while leaving Walmart: “This is a beautiful pomegranate. It’s very angular.”

(During an FYE lecture, we’re discussing the haves and the have nots and the middle class)
Parker: “Who else are the haves?”
Someone: “Extortionists.”
Drew, mishearing: “…Abortionists?!”

Parker: “What are other stereotypes about the middle class?”
Someone: “We’re in danger.”
Mike, clearly not serious: “We’re dangerous.”
Parker: (writes) “…dangerous…”

Myth: The middle class is extinct. Like the dodos.
Dalia: “The dodo are in danger.”
WHOLE group: “…They’re extinct.”

Jon, on his lack of perception: “I can’t read women, okay? I can read men.”

(During a conversation about band, Will mentioned he played the sax)
Dylan: “Pshaw. The trumpet is God’s instrument.”

(While waiting for the bus, Will is knitting his scarf, and it’s hanging between his legs, which is just how it happens when you knit a scarf. Dalia reached for the scarf, and Will slapped her hand away)
Dalia: “I wanted to see how long it was!”

(we were only responsible for two poems on this particular reading quiz)
Richards: “What kind of relationship are you going to have with these poems?”
Class: “…Close?”
Richards: “You will have an intimacy that borders on sexual.”

Coop: “This is TRULY a V8 moment!”

Coop, equating the song lyics “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with” and proportional representation systems: “But you don’t REALLY love them! You’re USING them! Not for that; get your minds out of the collective gutter. You’re using them to form a working coalition of votes.”

Cosmos on cooking/smoking, as in smoked salmon: “I wonder if anyone ever used weed to smoke…”

Coop: “My right to dissent ends when my fist hits the side of your face.”

Coop, on tangible rewards of voting: “You get a lousy sticker! Perhaps if you’re four, that might be the stuff of dreams…”

(All you need to know for this one is that Bethany thinks knitters are sexy; ergo, knitting = sex. Also, we were watching the second presidential debate)
Michelle: “God, Tom Brokaw is SEXY. [...] I bet he knits.”

Rev Payne during an FYE lecture about racism: “We’re gonna talk about how past is prologue.”
Brinn’s snarky (whispered) comment: “Thank you, Senator Biden.”
(cause that’s what he said during the VP debate…)

(McCain to Obama during the second debate: “We don’t telegraph our punches.”
Michelle (sarcastically): “Yeah, we still use telegraphs. It’s romantic.”

Will on the often mispronunciation of his last name, Douthitt: “A lot of people forget the first T. Or they forget that T-H makes the ‘thhh’ sound.”

Richards on a Whitman poem about death (an elogy): “What did Whitman take solace in?”
Katherine: “Prostitutes?”
Richards: “You could take solace in prostitutes. Then get a venereal disease and die.”
(We also read a section of Song of Myself which references a prostitute. She must have gotten them mixed up.)

(an answer on the quiz was a prostitute)
Richards: “Don’t you know that if it’s about sex, I’m gonna ask about it?”

Richards: “[Elogies] can be celebretory.”
Tara: “Like, ding dong the witch is dead?”
(not quite)

Ciao,
Brinn

Cosmos, while telling a story and handing back tests at the same time: “Here’s your history question–Becky Little?”

Cosmos on camouflage from deer: “We know what a tree looks like, so we dress so we look like trees. What we forget, of course, is that trees don’t move–except in Macbeth.”

Miles, while looking for STD statistics: “Okay, syphalis and chlamydia are the two I do NOT want.”

Mairin: “So the person that tried to kill my ex-boyfriend got arrested, so I’m happy.”
Bethany: (something something) “…assassination attempt.”
Mairin: “Yeah, I dated JFK. Just kidding. I wish.”

(a girl we don’t recognize walks by the room)
Mairin: “Jamie, are you backing biddies now?”

Elizabeth: “I had a beer before noon today. It was GREAT.”

Joey, about taking a picture of a yoga pose: “Can we do it from behind?” (few seconds later) “Can someone PLEASE say that’s what she said? I said ‘Can we do it from behind?’!”

(During the presidential debate, McCain tells a long story about how he wears a bracelet with the name of a guy who died in Iraq. Obama, to counter, says, “Well, John, I have a bracelet too.”)
Michelle, from down the hallway: “Where are they getting all these bracelets?!”

Medina, about accomodation and conflict resolution: “That’s called appeasement! That’s how we almost lost the war!”

BG: After the Obama rally on Saturday, Jon and I could walk due to sucky knees. Sarah, Joe, Jon and I were in Jon’s room, and I was lying on the floor. Janet proceeded to walk in with Will and Dillon.

Janet: *introduces Dillon to Jon and Sarah*
Brinn: “And I’m Brinn because Janet doesn’t feel the need to introduce me.”
Janet: “I would have introduced you, but you’re on the floor.”

Will, just noticing Brinn on the floor: “Woah! Most of the time, I pretend to be oblivious, and sometimes it really happens.”

Joe, on why Jon, Sarah, and I couldn’t go upstairs to find people with whom to order Chinese food: “They’re broken and she’s [Sarah's] dead.”
Janet: “What does that make you, hospice?”

Ciao,
Brinn

Coop: “…whatever fantasies you have about boy scouts and girl scouts… Boy scouts being rough, ready, and able to build you a fire; girl scouts… selling cookies–I know that always sets my heart a-twitter.”

(Coop’s kids pushed buttons on the voting machine, resulting in her placement “on some very interesting mailing lists”.)
Coop: “Strap your kids’ arms to their sides if you take them to vote or get better kids.” *pause* “More obedient kids.”

Laura, after we found her asleep/passed out on the floor. She called her commander. “What did you give me? [...] Can I still go to mass casualty training tomorrow?”

Richards on Mary: “What is she known for? ‘My holy vagina’.”

Richards on Eve in Paradise Lost: “She grabs him by the testicles and feeds him the apple and… death and destruction come into the world cause I’m a mean bitch.”

Cosmos asking a girl about Long Island: “Did you grow up there?”
Girl: *shakes her head no*
Cosmos: “How disappointing.”

Richards on Kat and Chris not being in class the day of a presentation: “Heidi Klum would say, ‘Auf Wiendersein!’” *air kisses*

Cosmos on his project system: “This is like Keno! With better odds!”

(on modern, male-centered epics)
Class: “The Illiad. Braveheart. Gladiator.” (etc.)
Richards, with examples: “The 300. Softcore gay porn.”

Cosmos on sound bites: “Every’s running around… VICE PRESIDENT! ILLEGITIMATE CHILD!”

Coop on a moderately politically-engaged citizenry: “[Politics] is on their minds, but it’s not like sex, so they don’t have it on their mind all the time. …You all are obviously past puberty so that joke is no longer applicable.”

Medina on a club: “They’re soliciting me.”
Dan: “They’re soliciting you? Stop soliciting yourself! You can get arrested for that.”

(randomly on the street)
Guy 1: “I still want to fuck you.”
Guy 2: “I want to fuck you too, man.”

Richards: “Just because you’re not having sex right NOW, does that mean you lose your heterosexual identity? I hope not for all of you in dry spells.”

Dean of Academic Services: “[Myth:] Time management takes the fun out of life. [...] Like in The Sound of Music.”
Dan: “…It does. Have you seen The Sound of Musics?”

Ciao,
Brinn

Coop(erman): “I’m sure there are some of you that would rather set yourselves on fire than run for public office.”

Coop: “They might be relevent. They might be giants; they might be relevent; who knows.”

Coop: “You have Lord of the Flies being practiced at the municipal level.”

Richards: “You’re not going to get your girlfriend a basket from Cracker Barrel.”
Guy: “I dunno, I might.”
Richards: “If your girlfriend is white trash.”

Coop: “They knew each other–” (lower voice) “–we might say.”

Sadie: “I’ve only met [my mentee] once, so we’re going to work on that.”
Medley: “Carl’s is calling your name!”
Sadie: “Well… if you want to walk through the hood, that’s cool.”

Richards: “One of the requirements of this class is that I have to expose you, like a flasher, to theory.”

Richards, on a picture of Jim (Huck Finn) holding a bucket: “The previous class got side-tracked by discussing whether the bucket is a vaginal symbol.”
Class: *discusses*
Richards: “It’s VERY vaginal!”

Richards: “If you’ve seen a runway model, what do they look like?”
Girl: “Hungry.”

Watkins, the Journalism teacher: “We don’t care about truth! What do we care about?”
Guy: “Advertising revenue.”

Watkins on Twilight: “Don’t they have vampire sex in the last one? It moves away from Mormonville….”
(later)
Watkins on defensive, staunch editorials: “…or cross this line and I kill you. Or turn you into a vampire.”
Guy: “A sex vampire.”

Coop on expectations of (say housing) contracts: “You don’t want to come home and find someone in your bed. That might be a happy surprise for some of you.”

Brinn on separating the headline from the article writer: “You can write ‘Martians Land on the Moon’ if you want.”
Miles: “Which would apply in this case since it’s Palin.”

Ciao,
Brinn

(in Applebees; Siarra ordered endless fried shrimp and we sneak the leftovers in my brother’s box because you aren’t supposed to take them home)
Johnathan: “I quarter-expected her to say, ‘Hey, where did those shrimp go?’”
Brinn: “Quarter-expected?”
Johnathan: “I didn’t fully half-expect it.”

(Medley is explaining how we have to do resumes; sophomores are not allowed to use highschool activities, but freshman are)
Medina(?): “What about jobs?”
Medley: “…Babysitting?”
Medina: “No, like, a real job.”
Medley: “Where they take taxes out? If they take taxes, put it on there.”

Mike (randomly while observing two girls during some orientation/group bonding event): “Are you feeling her up? …They’re bonding on their own.”

Noah: “You fell asleep with the door open!”
Stacy: “…It was the middle of the day.”
Noah: “That’s even worse! That’s when the murderers are out!”

Watkins, on his teaching experience: “This is my 19th year… I started when I was eleven.”
Class: *laughs*
Watkins: “…Child prodigy…”

(Richards made us tell a fact about ourselves while introducing ourselves; two different people, a guy and a girl, independently mentioned they’d traveled to Tanzania during the summer)
Richards: “Were you traveling together?”
Them: “…No…”
Richards: “Hook up?”

Watkins, while calling roll: “Do you want to be Jessica or Jess?”
Girl: “Either’s fine.”
Watkins: “Pick one!”
Girl: “…Jess.”
Watkins: *sigh* “No…”

Richards, on overinterpreting literature: “You could have this sign [Slow Children at Play)--you could say this is a bunch of retards at Hamlet!"

Cosmos, a linguistics professor: "I had a parrot in graduate school that I taught to say 'Philology saves lives!'"

Richards, on personal bias when reading: "If my mother said this is a good book... I hate the bitch, so I won't read it."

Cooperman: "Politics is not what Justice Harry Potter-- ...My coffee hasn't kicked in yet. Or maybe it has. [...] Politics is not what Justics Potter Stuart–there we go.”

Cooperman: “You get a job, and you’re like, ‘I make ten dollars an hour!’ Or if you’re scooping ice cream and you’re making negative two dollars an hour…”

Richards, on having more than just two options for President: “You can not vote. You can shoot yourself. You can move to Canada.”

Cooperman, explaining how a democracy does something or other not just from fear of violence: “That sounds like I’m saying ‘from fear of violins’. I don’t have a fear of violins. It’s VIOLENCE!” *raises fists*

Cooperman: “What are the cleavages in our own country? And I don’t mean bustlines for those who have traveled to the darkside.”

The following is a transcript of a slide from Statistics as an example of a rating scale. He used himself as an example.

Dr. Edmunds is (choose one) –

a total loser 1
way too full of himself 2
boring but a nice guy 3
occasionally brilliant 4
not unlike a god 5

Ciao,
Brinn

Amanda: “You’re such a mean teacher!”
McHugh: “Mean means average.”

Walck, on Victoria selling candy: “She’s too busy dealing drugs. Remember, caffiene’s a drug.”

Cox: “No double dicking. … No double DIPPING.”

Walck, on previous IB tests: “I had students come back and say, ‘I didn’t know what an ion was.’ Okay, please go down to the chemistry hallway so Mrs. Meyer and Mrs. Kerr can shoot you so I don’t have to.”

Camper: “Here are the themes from last night.”
Ashley: “OOH! What were you doing last night?”

Ashley, on attendence: “We’re rolling 12 deep.”
Camper: “We’re missing two, so we’re rolling… 14 deep?”

Amanda on the budget project: “I’m going to be married to the secretary of state.”
McHugh: “Well, seeing as the Secretary of State is Condaleeza Rice…”

Petykowski on song lyrics from WWI: “…a comforting fag. That’s in the cigarette sense. We’re all gay, so… No. See what you’ve done with your modern language to these World War One songs!”

Jess, while picking a group for an English project: “I want Kevin!”
Camper: “This is for work, not for…”

Ciao,
~Brinn