Jillian: “Who wants to be cold when they’re old? When I’m old, I’m taking E and basking in the sun.”

Amanda: *says something that Mallory finds very funny*
Mallory: “Is it too early for a Facebook relationship? Let me friend you first. …What’s your name?”

Guy in Playwriting: “I would pay money to have sex with Christian Bale, and I’m not even like, gay.”

Mark: “I can’t do a yankee accent. I can, but I’m not drunk.”

Guy in playwriting, casting for his scene: “I just need two girls.”
Mark: “Oh, so do I.”

Girl: “…And I can tell creepy: I have brother.”

Amanda: “I need morphine.”
Me: “…Why?”
Amanda: “I have a headache.”


(the Perkins edited an anthology)
Richards: “How are they putting this together?”
Student: “Probably intimately.”

(Joe walks in the room, Michelle is in a towell)
Joe: “Should I step out?”
Michelle: “Nah, I’m just printing.”
(Well, she was.)

Richards on masculinity: “[In the US] we have this rigid standard. Sorry.”
Class: *groan*
Richards: “It had to come.” *pause* “Haha.”
Class: *groan*

(overheard in the Nest)
Girl: “We’re on crack!”

Edmunds: “…My two favorite drugs, which are caffeine and alcohol.”

Edmunds: “Starbuck’s iced black coffee–it’s like crack; I swear there’s crack in it.”

Mother: (sung) “Interplanet Janet, she’s a–” (spoken) “What is she?”
Brinn: “BITCH.”

Johnathan: “When I scratch the back of my head–I mean my neck. It was a typo.”

Laura on toilets with water jets: “Ew, I don’t want water shot up my butt. That’s like anal sex with your toilet.”

Michelle on the thin walls in the dorm: “In this room, you can hear everything. You think you have secrets? I know them all.”

Siarra, who is a very angry driver and is waiting behind someone to turn: “What, you go when they come? Are you a prostitute?!”

(while leaving Wendy’s about a twisted Frosty)
Brinn: “What size did you get?”
Siarra: “It’s a twisted frosty. It only comes in one size: expensive.”

Alyssa about a lit critic called Bloom: “…You need to get off Shakespeare’s nuts.”

Question: What are the stereotypes of Asians?
Class: The usual answers. They like rice and know kung fu and are good at school.
Catherine: “They live in New Jersey.”
Class: “…”
Catherine: “At Duke, there are a lot of Asians and they’re from New Jersey because they couldn’t get into Princeton.”
Richards: “…I don’t know how to respond to that, so I’m going to move to Heather.”

(more on Asians)
Girl: “They love Hello Kitty.”
Richards: “Asians and gay men.”

(arguing about a lit canon made of black lesbians)
Richards: “What are they fighting for?”
Catherine: “Male or female?”
Richards: “There are few male lesbians.”

Watkins, during a news quiz: “This is going to prove you read your newspaper. 69 percent of men aged 18-24 know another man who has done what?”
Joey: “Was this in Sexclamations?”

Hunter, on election night just after Obama’s been called: “If you want to make sure he wins, you have to stay up ’til one.”
Joe: “If you go to sleep, he’ll lose.”

Joe, on the election still: “You have to believe hard enough. It’s like fairies. I do believe in Presidents!”
Hunter: “Does that mean if we don’t believe in Bush, he’ll die?”

Joe, about the four knitters in my building forming a knitting circle: “You can’t really have a circle with four people.”
Brinn: “You just have to round out the corners.”
Joe: “Of the people?”
Brinn: *nod*
Joe: “I’ll get my power sander.”

Coop on fundraising: “…And raised money hand over fist over fist over leg over… midsection.”

Watkins, during a news quiz: “What UMW professor just published his first novel?”
Joey: “I don’t know, but I bet he plugs it ALL THE TIME.”
(It’s Watkins with the novel)

Michelle on a dorm cooking night: “We can use the BCM and the CCM. What are they gonna say, ‘Go away; God doesn’t like you.’?”

Richards, on a white guy and a monster as a couple in Avenue Q: “If they are procreative, you get Barack Obama.”

On saving four dollars on admission to Our Town by ushering:
Richards: “If you want to save four dollars… buy cheap alcohol… You didn’t hear that.”

Cosmos: “I’m going to Baltimore tomorrow.”
Terrence: “Sketchy!”
Cosmos: “What?”
Terrence: “I said sketchy because Baltimore is sketchy.”
Cosmos: “I understand you had a few crimes in Fredericksburg.”
(a couple of girls were sexually assaulted and the owner of a popular restaurant may have been murdered by his son, among other things.)

Bethany, about her Twilight tshirt: “I put this baby on, and I was like, ‘I look HOT.’ I would screw myself.”

Michelle, post-Presidential debate: “Anderson Cooper, you’re so cute. And one of these days, we’ll find out what your sexuality is.”

Coop: “They’re more willing to take the view of party, party, party. Not like, whoo! Party, party, party, but political party, party, party.”

Mike: “The Giants are gay as hell!”
Michelle: “They’re not homosexual, Michael.”

Coop: “No cake for you! If you don’t participate.”

Coop on the Sierra Club and China: “…Polar bears … PANDA BEARS! Wrong continent. I need more coffee.”

(Sex is only for reproduction)
Richards: “How was sex in the Victorian era?”
Heather: “Missionary?”
Richards: “You can be procreative in other positions.”

(In Lit class, we discussed Freud’s pleasure principle and watched a clip from ‘Into the Woods’, a broadway show that features a wolf whose costume was… well-endowed.)
Richards, on the wolf’s… junk: “And it too is hairy. No manscaping for wolves.”

(as the class is leaving)
Richards: “Enjoy your pleasure principle! Beware of wolves with junk!”

Michelle, randomly, while leaving Walmart: “This is a beautiful pomegranate. It’s very angular.”

(During an FYE lecture, we’re discussing the haves and the have nots and the middle class)
Parker: “Who else are the haves?”
Someone: “Extortionists.”
Drew, mishearing: “…Abortionists?!”

Parker: “What are other stereotypes about the middle class?”
Someone: “We’re in danger.”
Mike, clearly not serious: “We’re dangerous.”
Parker: (writes) “…dangerous…”

Myth: The middle class is extinct. Like the dodos.
Dalia: “The dodo are in danger.”
WHOLE group: “…They’re extinct.”

Jon, on his lack of perception: “I can’t read women, okay? I can read men.”

(During a conversation about band, Will mentioned he played the sax)
Dylan: “Pshaw. The trumpet is God’s instrument.”

(While waiting for the bus, Will is knitting his scarf, and it’s hanging between his legs, which is just how it happens when you knit a scarf. Dalia reached for the scarf, and Will slapped her hand away)
Dalia: “I wanted to see how long it was!”

Some guy in Political Science: “What if someone got 100% of the vote?”
Coop: “That would be… remarkable. Maybe if Jesus came down from the heavens, and even then I don’t think…”
Next class:
Different person: “What is someone got 100% of the vote?”
Coop: “That person would have to be Jesus Christ. I don’t even think he would get allt he votes. Steven Colbert and Jon Stewart, maybe that one.”

(we were only responsible for two poems on this particular reading quiz)
Richards: “What kind of relationship are you going to have with these poems?”
Class: “…Close?”
Richards: “You will have an intimacy that borders on sexual.”

Coop: “This is TRULY a V8 moment!”

Coop, equating the song lyics “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with” and proportional representation systems: “But you don’t REALLY love them! You’re USING them! Not for that; get your minds out of the collective gutter. You’re using them to form a working coalition of votes.”

Cosmos on cooking/smoking, as in smoked salmon: “I wonder if anyone ever used weed to smoke…”

Coop: “My right to dissent ends when my fist hits the side of your face.”

Coop, on tangible rewards of voting: “You get a lousy sticker! Perhaps if you’re four, that might be the stuff of dreams…”

(All you need to know for this one is that Bethany thinks knitters are sexy; ergo, knitting = sex. Also, we were watching the second presidential debate)
Michelle: “God, Tom Brokaw is SEXY. […] I bet he knits.”

Rev Payne during an FYE lecture about racism: “We’re gonna talk about how past is prologue.”
Brinn’s snarky (whispered) comment: “Thank you, Senator Biden.”
(cause that’s what he said during the VP debate…)

(McCain to Obama during the second debate: “We don’t telegraph our punches.”
Michelle (sarcastically): “Yeah, we still use telegraphs. It’s romantic.”

Will on the often mispronunciation of his last name, Douthitt: “A lot of people forget the first T. Or they forget that T-H makes the ‘thhh’ sound.”

Richards on a Whitman poem about death (an elogy): “What did Whitman take solace in?”
Katherine: “Prostitutes?”
Richards: “You could take solace in prostitutes. Then get a venereal disease and die.”
(We also read a section of Song of Myself which references a prostitute. She must have gotten them mixed up.)

(an answer on the quiz was a prostitute)
Richards: “Don’t you know that if it’s about sex, I’m gonna ask about it?”

Richards: “[Elogies] can be celebretory.”
Tara: “Like, ding dong the witch is dead?”
(not quite)


Miles, while looking for art for an editorial: “We’ve done Palin’s face way too much.”
Someone: “That’s what he said!”

Cosmos, while telling a story and handing back tests at the same time: “Here’s your history question–Becky Little?”

Cosmos on camouflage from deer: “We know what a tree looks like, so we dress so we look like trees. What we forget, of course, is that trees don’t move–except in Macbeth.”

Miles, while looking for STD statistics: “Okay, syphalis and chlamydia are the two I do NOT want.”

Mairin: “So the person that tried to kill my ex-boyfriend got arrested, so I’m happy.”
Bethany: (something something) “…assassination attempt.”
Mairin: “Yeah, I dated JFK. Just kidding. I wish.”

(a girl we don’t recognize walks by the room)
Mairin: “Jamie, are you backing biddies now?”

Elizabeth: “I had a beer before noon today. It was GREAT.”

Joey, about taking a picture of a yoga pose: “Can we do it from behind?” (few seconds later) “Can someone PLEASE say that’s what she said? I said ‘Can we do it from behind?’!”

(During the presidential debate, McCain tells a long story about how he wears a bracelet with the name of a guy who died in Iraq. Obama, to counter, says, “Well, John, I have a bracelet too.”)
Michelle, from down the hallway: “Where are they getting all these bracelets?!”

Medina, about accomodation and conflict resolution: “That’s called appeasement! That’s how we almost lost the war!”

BG: After the Obama rally on Saturday, Jon and I could walk due to sucky knees. Sarah, Joe, Jon and I were in Jon’s room, and I was lying on the floor. Janet proceeded to walk in with Will and Dillon.

Janet: *introduces Dillon to Jon and Sarah*
Brinn: “And I’m Brinn because Janet doesn’t feel the need to introduce me.”
Janet: “I would have introduced you, but you’re on the floor.”

Will, just noticing Brinn on the floor: “Woah! Most of the time, I pretend to be oblivious, and sometimes it really happens.”

Joe, on why Jon, Sarah, and I couldn’t go upstairs to find people with whom to order Chinese food: “They’re broken and she’s [Sarah’s] dead.”
Janet: “What does that make you, hospice?”


Coop, on why we can study political culture: “…cause it’s HOT. We have brought, not sexy back, but political culture back.”

Coop: “…whatever fantasies you have about boy scouts and girl scouts… Boy scouts being rough, ready, and able to build you a fire; girl scouts… selling cookies–I know that always sets my heart a-twitter.”

(Coop’s kids pushed buttons on the voting machine, resulting in her placement “on some very interesting mailing lists”.)
Coop: “Strap your kids’ arms to their sides if you take them to vote or get better kids.” *pause* “More obedient kids.”

Laura, after we found her asleep/passed out on the floor. She called her commander. “What did you give me? […] Can I still go to mass casualty training tomorrow?”

Richards on Mary: “What is she known for? ‘My holy vagina’.”

Richards on Eve in Paradise Lost: “She grabs him by the testicles and feeds him the apple and… death and destruction come into the world cause I’m a mean bitch.”

Cosmos asking a girl about Long Island: “Did you grow up there?”
Girl: *shakes her head no*
Cosmos: “How disappointing.”

Richards on Kat and Chris not being in class the day of a presentation: “Heidi Klum would say, ‘Auf Wiendersein!'” *air kisses*

Cosmos on his project system: “This is like Keno! With better odds!”

(on modern, male-centered epics)
Class: “The Illiad. Braveheart. Gladiator.” (etc.)
Richards, with examples: “The 300. Softcore gay porn.”

Cosmos on sound bites: “Every’s running around… VICE PRESIDENT! ILLEGITIMATE CHILD!”

Coop on a moderately politically-engaged citizenry: “[Politics] is on their minds, but it’s not like sex, so they don’t have it on their mind all the time. …You all are obviously past puberty so that joke is no longer applicable.”

Medina on a club: “They’re soliciting me.”
Dan: “They’re soliciting you? Stop soliciting yourself! You can get arrested for that.”

(randomly on the street)
Guy 1: “I still want to fuck you.”
Guy 2: “I want to fuck you too, man.”

Richards: “Just because you’re not having sex right NOW, does that mean you lose your heterosexual identity? I hope not for all of you in dry spells.”

Dean of Academic Services: “[Myth:] Time management takes the fun out of life. […] Like in The Sound of Music.”
Dan: “…It does. Have you seen The Sound of Musics?”


Jaclyn: “I have two new cousins!”
Michelle: “Your aunt had twins?”
Jaclyn: “No… one’s 18 and one’s 25. My uncle found them on Facebook.”

Coop(erman): “I’m sure there are some of you that would rather set yourselves on fire than run for public office.”

Coop: “They might be relevent. They might be giants; they might be relevent; who knows.”

Coop: “You have Lord of the Flies being practiced at the municipal level.”

Richards: “You’re not going to get your girlfriend a basket from Cracker Barrel.”
Guy: “I dunno, I might.”
Richards: “If your girlfriend is white trash.”

Coop: “They knew each other–” (lower voice) “–we might say.”

Sadie: “I’ve only met [my mentee] once, so we’re going to work on that.”
Medley: “Carl’s is calling your name!”
Sadie: “Well… if you want to walk through the hood, that’s cool.”

Richards: “One of the requirements of this class is that I have to expose you, like a flasher, to theory.”

Richards, on a picture of Jim (Huck Finn) holding a bucket: “The previous class got side-tracked by discussing whether the bucket is a vaginal symbol.”
Class: *discusses*
Richards: “It’s VERY vaginal!”

Richards: “If you’ve seen a runway model, what do they look like?”
Girl: “Hungry.”

Watkins, the Journalism teacher: “We don’t care about truth! What do we care about?”
Guy: “Advertising revenue.”

Watkins on Twilight: “Don’t they have vampire sex in the last one? It moves away from Mormonville….”
Watkins on defensive, staunch editorials: “…or cross this line and I kill you. Or turn you into a vampire.”
Guy: “A sex vampire.”

Coop on expectations of (say housing) contracts: “You don’t want to come home and find someone in your bed. That might be a happy surprise for some of you.”

Brinn on separating the headline from the article writer: “You can write ‘Martians Land on the Moon’ if you want.”
Miles: “Which would apply in this case since it’s Palin.”


My first page of quotes from my first three weeks at Mary Washington (plus a couple from before). Enjoy (on the new site!).

(in Applebees; Siarra ordered endless fried shrimp and we sneak the leftovers in my brother’s box because you aren’t supposed to take them home)
Johnathan: “I quarter-expected her to say, ‘Hey, where did those shrimp go?'”
Brinn: “Quarter-expected?”
Johnathan: “I didn’t fully half-expect it.”

(Medley is explaining how we have to do resumes; sophomores are not allowed to use highschool activities, but freshman are)
Medina(?): “What about jobs?”
Medley: “…Babysitting?”
Medina: “No, like, a real job.”
Medley: “Where they take taxes out? If they take taxes, put it on there.”

Mike (randomly while observing two girls during some orientation/group bonding event): “Are you feeling her up? …They’re bonding on their own.”

Noah: “You fell asleep with the door open!”
Stacy: “…It was the middle of the day.”
Noah: “That’s even worse! That’s when the murderers are out!”

Watkins, on his teaching experience: “This is my 19th year… I started when I was eleven.”
Class: *laughs*
Watkins: “…Child prodigy…”

(Richards made us tell a fact about ourselves while introducing ourselves; two different people, a guy and a girl, independently mentioned they’d traveled to Tanzania during the summer)
Richards: “Were you traveling together?”
Them: “…No…”
Richards: “Hook up?”

Watkins, while calling roll: “Do you want to be Jessica or Jess?”
Girl: “Either’s fine.”
Watkins: “Pick one!”
Girl: “…Jess.”
Watkins: *sigh* “No…”

Richards, on overinterpreting literature: “You could have this sign [Slow Children at Play)–you could say this is a bunch of retards at Hamlet!”

Cosmos, a linguistics professor: “I had a parrot in graduate school that I taught to say ‘Philology saves lives!'”

Richards, on personal bias when reading: “If my mother said this is a good book… I hate the bitch, so I won’t read it.”

Cooperman: “Politics is not what Justice Harry Potter– …My coffee hasn’t kicked in yet. Or maybe it has. […] Politics is not what Justics Potter Stuart–there we go.”

Cooperman: “You get a job, and you’re like, ‘I make ten dollars an hour!’ Or if you’re scooping ice cream and you’re making negative two dollars an hour…”

Richards, on having more than just two options for President: “You can not vote. You can shoot yourself. You can move to Canada.”

Cooperman, explaining how a democracy does something or other not just from fear of violence: “That sounds like I’m saying ‘from fear of violins’. I don’t have a fear of violins. It’s VIOLENCE!” *raises fists*

Cooperman: “What are the cleavages in our own country? And I don’t mean bustlines for those who have traveled to the darkside.”

The following is a transcript of a slide from Statistics as an example of a rating scale. He used himself as an example.

Dr. Edmunds is (choose one) —

a total loser 1
way too full of himself 2
boring but a nice guy 3
occasionally brilliant 4
not unlike a god 5


PK: “…strategic hamlets. Like, small village, not ‘Alas, poor Yoric…'”

Amanda: “You’re such a mean teacher!”
McHugh: “Mean means average.”

Walck, on Victoria selling candy: “She’s too busy dealing drugs. Remember, caffiene’s a drug.”

Cox: “No double dicking. … No double DIPPING.”

Walck, on previous IB tests: “I had students come back and say, ‘I didn’t know what an ion was.’ Okay, please go down to the chemistry hallway so Mrs. Meyer and Mrs. Kerr can shoot you so I don’t have to.”

Camper: “Here are the themes from last night.”
Ashley: “OOH! What were you doing last night?”

Ashley, on attendence: “We’re rolling 12 deep.”
Camper: “We’re missing two, so we’re rolling… 14 deep?”

Amanda on the budget project: “I’m going to be married to the secretary of state.”
McHugh: “Well, seeing as the Secretary of State is Condaleeza Rice…”

Petykowski on song lyrics from WWI: “…a comforting fag. That’s in the cigarette sense. We’re all gay, so… No. See what you’ve done with your modern language to these World War One songs!”

Jess, while picking a group for an English project: “I want Kevin!”
Camper: “This is for work, not for…”


(overheard at Colonial Williamburg)
“Don’t dance on the stairs, please.”

Ellen (who is four and was in one of my swim classes) on the lifeguard stands: “Is that the mommy chair and the baby chair?”

Ms. Cosimano (her daughter) right before snapping a photo of the class: “Are you ready? This is happening.”

Ashley: “What’s that thing I want? Ohhh, rape.”
(she was looking up rape laws for lesbians. Don’t ask.)

Ashley with a Freudian slip on post-prom activities: “There’s midnight boning. …There’s midnight bowling.”


Walck: “Where does crossing over occur?”

Neal: “At the border!”

Ashley on Miley Cyrus’s real name, which is Destiny Hope or something: “Her father is Billy Rae Cyrus. You’re lucky he didn’t name her John Deere Tractor Cyrus.”

Kevin to Ms. Camper DURING A QUIZ: “Ms. Camper, how was your three-day weekend? OH WAIT, you didn’t have one!”

Sarah: “I’m the most whitest person on the staff.”
Samantha: “The most whitest, really? Sounds like you’re the most in need of an English lesson.”

Sam, on Marion: “She just acts dumb in chemistry sometimes.”
Brinn: “A lot of girls do that.”
Sarah: “I don’t; I’m just dumb.”

Brinn: “The newsroom equals Vegas. What happens here stays here.”
Chris: “There’s prostitution?”
Brinn: “Yes, but none for you.”

(Mrs. Cox tells Christina that 7.8 teachers are being transferred from PA. Let me repeat that: seven point eight. POINT EIGHT. The staff is confused.)
Christina: “Mrs. Davis is pretty short; maybe she counts as .5 of a teacher.”
(I almost didn’t want to put this on the cabinet because I’m afraid of Mrs. Davis. I was overruled.)

Vaje, writing on her computer: “Don’t nobody betta touch dis computa.”
(Janki, Jazmyne and Taqo managed to argue about this with her for a good five minutes. I sat back and soaked it in. It made my whole day.)


You may need to understand the plot of Samuel Beckett’s “Waiting for Godot”, Edward Albee’s “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” and that one guy’s The Chosen to understand the following set of quotes. So… IB kids.


Camper: “Why does the boy [in Waiting for Godot] not represent Christ?”

Ashley: “He can’t walk on water.”


Camper, on the reality/fantasy essay: “You guys were saying things like, ‘There’s two guys on the stage, and that’s a fantasy.'”
Chris: “For Xu!”

Question: “What is the significance of Estragon’s boots?”
David: “The most obvious thing is that these boots were made for walking…”

Camper: “Why do you think Godot needs a boy to tend the goats?”
Xu: “He’s a pedophile.”

Camper, imitating an essay from a dumber IB school: “Uh, there’s two guys on stage and they’re like, fact and fantasy, and one of ’em gets hit in the eye with a baseball and… They’re Hasidic Jews?”

Ashley: “Why would each character need a leaf?” [Waiting for Godot]
Xu? Someone: “To cover their loins!”
Camper/class: “…They have clothes.

Camper, on why Estragon and Vladimir separate at night: “Cause they actually have something to do at night.”
Xu: “Each other!”

Non-IB students may resume reading here.

Camper, on a literary theory: “Some people agree with Collin. There are so many signs of the apocalypse now.”

Ashley: “I don’t need the sheet [of questions]. They’re the sheet.”
Jessica: “I’m not the sheet.”
David: “I’m the sheet.”

Xu, on fat people or something: “They’re like, literally slabs of wall.”
Chris: “Literally? I would like to point out they they are literally slabs of wall.”

Walck, on alternation of generation: “If you see [sperm and eggs walking around…]”
Brinn: “You should probably stop dropping acid.”
(By request of Deeva)

Class/Collin: “Do you see our [IB English test] grades?”
Spam: “No, she just sees ‘Collin: one.'”
Camper: “I see ‘Collin: one, one, zero, one.'”
Chris/Collin: “That’s thirteen!”

From Florida, where we get around on bikes:

Me: I don’t like this foolish bike thing. I miss my car.
Mom: Just wait til tomorrow. You’ll feel like you’ve been sexually assaulted.

Others from Fl:

Me, to my grandmother who just almost ran down a small child: “Quit runnin’ into little kids!”
Siarra: “At least she isn’t hitting them with beach balls!”
(I may have accidentally whacked a kid in the face with a beach ball at a Beach Boys concert once…)

My 70-year-old grandmother while in a restaurant for lunch: “When you say ‘condiment bar’ make sure you don’t say ‘condom bar’.”
The rest of the family: “…”

Little (14) Brother: “I’m gonna go with Gram and get some condom… ments.”
Me: “Condom mints?”
Brother: “You don’t know what I’m doing tonight!”
Me: *laugh* *shudder*


Subject line courtesy of McHugh.

PK, on a schol bowl answer: “They were life partners. Get your minds out of the gutter.”
Team: “…”
Victor: “We weren’t thinking that. Get your mind out of the gutter.”

Deeva: *is talking*
Derek: *buzzes* “I wanted to interupt.”
(You can buzz before the end of the question to answer, called an interupt. Well, I thought it was funny anyway.)

(During a history test)
Zach: “My pen just ran out of ink.”
Lindsey: “I gotcha!” *gives him a pen*
Zach: “I owe you my life.”
Lindsey: “Yep.”

Amy (I think about her English IA): “…and guess what I got?”
Raeshon: “A baby?”
Amy: “Yep. My due date was Saturday.”

Thurman (to Marion): “Why do you have a black eye?”
Melissa: “She got smart and I punched her.”

Jaeda: “Brinn, are you smart?”
Brinn: “…Yes…?”
Ashley: “She’s smarter than a fifth grader.”

Melissa: “AMY! I wasn’t paying attention when you were talking to me. What were the numbers again?”

Thurman: “The freshmen… they’re like another race!”
Ashley: “Take us to your leader!”
Siarra: “Mr. Rhue?”

Announcement: “IB seniors! You must see Mrs. Walck in room 325 or 331 to schedule a CAS exit interview.”
Xu: “Oh FUCK.”

Collin during an English presentation: “According to… James Monaco…”
(Who is just a kid who graduated two years ago and while in town, came to our English class and rambled for an hour about Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Raeshon to Camper: “Is James gay?”
Camper: “No, he’s just a cool guy. Not all cool guys are gay. Most of them are, but not all of them.”

Xu, on Waiting for Godot: “They’re gay.”
Camper: “Try not to put your own biases in it.”
*several beats*
Class: *laughs*

McHugh while demonstrating a math problem: “Didn’t we already do 0 and 3? What is this crap?!”

Walck: “Don’t tell [Mrs. Cox] I decided that. [The book thing]. She can find out later.”

Nick Kirby in the middle of history class: “Do you ever look at the map and feel really insignificant?”


Subject line de PK en la clase de historia.

Zach: “I thought Boxer was the working class.”
Class: “…That IS the proletariat.”

PK: “What was a bad result of collectivism?”
Kristin/Brinn: “Massive death?”
PK: “The f word.”
Class: “…”
Kristin: “…famine?”
PK: “THAT f word!”

Thurman on political cartoons: “Hillary Clinton is the devil’s bastard child! Oh no! I’m not voting for her!” *few moments* “I’m not saying it’s not true…”

Brinn, reading a slogan for the USSR: “From Lenin’s lips to Stalin’s ears, he–”
Nick: “Ew!”

PK: “Stalin’s like a jelly donut cause he’s soft on the inside. Not.”

Guy supposedt to be fixing light: “Is this a bad time?”
PK: “Probably better than interrupting Mrs. Smith’s class.”

PK: “How did Stalin keep up morale?”
Brinn: “LIES.”
PK: “Well he didn’t call it that.”
Someone: “Propaganda.”
PK: “The fancy word for lies.
*few moments; Nick doesn’t have book*
PK to Nick: “You said you’d step it up in this class!”
Xu: “Was it propaganda?”

Chris: “The question is, has [Hillary] hit menopause yet? Cause we could be in a war and she’d be like, ‘Aw, just fuckin’ nuke ’em.”

Chris: “It’s not rape if you yell surprise.”

Chris: “Don’t drink and drive. Unless you’re really thirsty.”

PK: “Remember Napoleon?”
Class: “Vaguely…”
Nick: “He was French, right?”

Neal, on pill bugs: “They’re like the cheetahs of the insect community!”

Someone (Xu?): “Move your ass!”
Walck: “HEY! Don’t talk to the pill bugs like that!”

[Schol Bowl question]
Jess: “Is it a mandola?”
Deeva: “What’s a mandola?”
Victor: “It’s a gondola for men! A MAN-dola!”

Victor: “Everyone played in a rock band in the sixties.”
PK: “Not everyone.”
Harrison: “Pretty much.”
PK: “Did you?”
Harrison: “Yep.”

McHugh: “Everything is dependent on calculus.”
Krista: “Is God?”

Camper, after Kevin’s oral commentary: “When you say, ‘Claudius and Gertrude are obviously sleeping together’, do you mean, ‘They’re married’?”

Camper, on missing things like similies at the church commentaries: “Those are the things that make me choke you.”
Xu: “There are rules against teachers touching–”
Camper: “Not at the church. It’s off school property.”

Camper, continuing the violent imagery while describing her demeanor at the church: “I’m not gonna be like-” *machine gun pantomime*


Subject line from Wilkes, portraying a drunk, and Neal.

Walck: “Drinking, by the way, is not a glass of wine at dinner and a margarita here and there cause that’s okay. …nothing’s better than chips and a margarita…”

(Walck mentions how drug euphoria is just fake happiness)
Shriui: “If only I had some Soma. That’s real euphoria.”

PK: “Emperor Wu, who ruled China between [dates] is a member of which dynasty?”
Deeva: “Wutang!”

Melissa: “Is she caucasion with blonde hair?”
Ashley: “Caucasion?”
Melissa: “Well I didn’t want to say, ‘She a white gurl.'”

Camper, on Hedda Gabler: “Can you think of something about George that would make him act that way?”
Someone: “He’s drunk.”

Collin: “Don’t you have something tall to jump off of, like the Empire State Building?”
Brinn: “They have suicide nets; you can’t.”
Collin: “If you have enough determinism…”
Brinn: “…determinism?”
Collin: “…Determination.”

(Collin=Lovberg and Lydia=Hedda)
Camper: “Move closer!”
Collin: *moves in the opposite direction away from Lydia*
Camper: “When you’re in college, you’ll learn girls don’t have cooties, Collin.”
Collin: “BS! That’s how you get STDs!”

Dad: “That’s how it begins.”
Brinn: “How what begins?”
Dad: “Relations.”
Brother: “With that woman?”
Brinn: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Or that man.”
Dad: “Well, the last time we heard that, it was a lie.”

(Apparently, they’re building either a Target or an Ikea behind the mall and the other where HQ used to be on the blvd)
Brinn: “I hope they build a Target.”
Siarra: “I hope they build both. In the same spot.”
Brinn: “Itarget?”
Siarra: “Tarkea.”


Subject line courtesy of me and my sister, respectively.

More quotes:

Brinn: “Tengo una cicatriz en mi cara cuando–”
Rosalie (not paying attention): “…Borracho…”
[I have a scar on my face from when–]

Rosalie: “Yo quiero rompe lo bajo.”
[Quite literally, “I want to break it down.”]

Announcement: “It’s Madam CJ Walker, the first black female self-made millionaire.”
Raeshon: “No it’s not.”

[Schol bowl question]
Derek: “What?”
Brinn: “Senator Mark Hanna is from where?”
Derek: “Montana!”

Spam’s (legit) answer: “Wallace.”
PK: “No.”
Brinn: “Grommit.”

PK: “What is the geometric mean of 4 and 15? Looks like the answer’s in squirts.”
Victor: “The square root of 241.”
PK: “Oh, that’s what that means.”

Spam in a John Donne oral commentary: “…rape him with piousness.”

Collin: “You can’t say God is a rapist.”
Camper: “Someone already did.”
Chris: “Well, that person’s going to hell.”

Dad: “Is the fish New Orleans style?”
Brinn: “No, cause then it would be burnt and drowned.”

Dad: “Can I get a cup of black coffee?”
Waitress: *pause* “What kind of black?”
Fam: “…”
Brinn: “American Samoan? Hatian?”

Brinn: “Look, I’m on AIM!”
Siarra: “Your mom’s on AIM.”
Brinn: “Mom, you’re on AIM?”
Dad: “That’s what I do when I have a gun in my pocket. Aim. It at your mother.”
(He was joking.)


Subject line courtesy of Collin, on contraception. Yeah.

More quotes:

Camper: “When you’re smart, you can bang out a short [poem] like this very quickly.”
Xu: *giggles*
Kevin: “That’s what she said.”

In Spanish, I think:
“[Does Pink Floyd still produce albums?]”
“Tupac’s dead and he still makes them.”

Cosimano: “Roberto toca los tamborines como si–”
Rosalie: “…fuera una chica.”
[Logan plays the drums as if–]
[He were a girl.]

Cosimano: “Ella va al mall.”

Spam: “[This thing that everyone wants in a Donne poem]. It’s like an iPhone.”

Schol Bowl question: “…which sounds like the same of a fictional element.”
(answer is Itanium or Itechium or something like that)
PK: “Which element is that?”
Schol Bowl team: “…Chemical element. Like titanium.”
PK: “Oh, I was thinking like, personification.”

Camper on Donne poetry: “Holy Sonnets, Batman!”

McHugh: “Why do some of you only have one answer here?”
Amanda: “Cause I didn’t know the other one.”

Camper, on Church Oral Commentaries: “i’ll have some candy and some markers, so you’ll be fine.”
Xu: “And a noose.”
Camper: “And a noose.”

McHugh, demonstrating why banks round in their favor: “Do you know what that .07471 is worth to the bank over thousands and thousands of customers?”
Someone: “Four dollars.”

Also, not really a quote I heard, but quite possibly one of the best bash.org quotes I’ve ever seen:
“Roses are red,
Violets are blue
All of my base
Are belong to you.”


Melissa Muldenado: “Her cleavage is always… flowing out.”

Thurman: “It’s so much ‘fun’.” (air quotes)
Marion: “Are those smart quotes?”
Thurman: “They’re euphamism quotes.”

Raeshon, in a Bell Jar oral commentary: “Buddy seems like kind of a prick, I guess.”

Eric’s ‘John Donne’ poem: “It’s merely a love potion…”
Ashley: “AKA, a roofie.”

Katy, to the TV: “Why are you talking, Hillary Clinton? No one wants to hear you.”

Gabby: “Kiera Knightly’s like a board.”
David: “A hot board.”

(Jen is gymnastics god but doesn’t want to be mentioned in the paper cause she runs sports)
TaQuana: “So if you found the cure for cancer, we couldn’t interview you?”
Jen: “I guess not. If I was in charge of the cancer section.”

Ashley on the subject of Kaitlin Nagourney (sp): “On a scale of one to functional, she’s barely breathing.”

Someone on the Page staff: “Who’s in chorus that has a really good voice?”
Sam: “…None of them.”

Brinn: “I wore two different socks to school today. I mean mismatched. I normally wear two different socks.” *chuckle*
Siarra: “…I don’t get it.”
Brinn: “…As opposed to one…?”
Siarra: “I still don’t get it.”
Brinn: *headtable*

And finally, a picture. This picture is, and I’m serious, the most phallic picture I have ever seen that is NOT actually of a penis. Are you ready for this?



Are you sure?








So I guess nukes = penises for real. Huh.

This explains the Cold War so much.

But seriously, who puts that picture on the COVER? Painted that COLOR? Oi. Oi vey.


QUOTES! Subject courtesy of Siarra.

BG: Rumors that the security guard that killed his girlfriend hanged himself while in prison. Also, Eric was leaving to change after having been dressed up like a girl in English.
Eric: “I’m… gonna go kill myself.”
Ashley: “Like Mr. Henry!”

Rosalie: “Weed isn’t a curse word.”

Collin: “…30 minutes is a lot longer than 20 or 10.”
Smith: *deadpan* “Oh. Is it?”

Zach: “…Pretty much, airports are just happy places.”

David, reading Eric’s literary analysis: “…this shows that Stephan is ‘literally a cess pool of desire’… Someone doesn’t know the meaning of literally.”

Smith holds up a bag of plastic utensils.
Dale: “Can you pull a knife out of there for me?”
Smith: “Sophie’s probably got one in her purse.”
She may have brought a butcher knife to school by mistake.

Dale on cooking: “…It’s kind of like potion making.”

Siarra, on the song “Remembering Sunday” by All Time Low: *singing* “Funny how it CLICHED all day…”
The actual song lyric is “Funny how it rained all day.” She didn’t even miss a beat.

Derek on scholastic bowl team questions: “The A questions were like, ‘What school are you in right now?’ The B questions were like, ‘What was the temperature on March third in Los Angeles?'”
We were B. Surprise surprise.

Petykowski during scholastic bowl practice: “If you neg, we take you out back and shoot you.”

Quote time! Whoooooo!

Sarah: “…like if you stuck a urinal on the sidewalk, that’s art.”
Collin: “That’d be convienient.”

Nick: “…according to the book of Hamlet.”

Gabby: “Do you think women should be drafted?”
Zach: “What do you think?”
Gabby: “I can’t talk that much.”

Sarah: “If Nick Cannon’s against abortion, is there really any argument?”

Raeshon, asking a question from Mill on the Floss: “Which type of knowledge betters mankind?”
Collin: “Math.”

Krista: “…Whatever floats your boat.”
McHugh: “I spent enough time in the Navy; I don’t need your innocuous ‘float your boat’… I was on submarines, so I was taking them down.”
Krista: “…Whatever sinks your German ship…”

Sarah: “That’s tough: Be eaten or go to Russia?”

Lindsay (as Roosevelt in Yalta): “Look at the beach! Good thing I brought my bathing suit. Unfortunately, I didn’t bring funcional legs.”


This post is dedicated to Emily, who requested it several times.

From GMU:

(terrorism) “It’s not in the middle of the ocean somewhere!”

Matt (DiNardo): “Provoke-tion.”

Matt: “Look at Nazi Germany–THAT’S imperialism.”

Matt’s Semi’s Opponant: “No one has an extra right to life.”

^: “…which tells us don’t worry; be happy.”

Emily: “We’re got cockroaches; we will die of nuclear bombs.”

Emily on nukes: “It strikes fear in the hearts of man.”

Also: Patrick and Neal hit each other in semi’s, and apparently, some funny stuff was said (I wasn’t there). Bonus points were awarded for saying “Princess Anne” so it made sense. Patrick quoted Steven Hong of Princess Anne University, and Neal refered to Steven as a pot-smoking, perm-getting Korean, or something to that effect. Yeah.

Today’s TDL:

Turpin: “The assassination of JFK worked, but that does not make it just.”

Emily, on the UN being a gang: “When was the last time you saw the Bloods and the Crips with some flowers saying ‘Let’s all be friends’?”

Emily on other weapons: “…a molecular diffusion raygun…”

That Tallwood kid (Brandon? Brian?), quoting a source: “…Ashton Kutcher.” *odd look* “Ashton Carter.”

Turpin’s Opponant: “His argument was not legible.”

Turpin asks for his definition of risk management.
Opponant: “It’s the management of risks that the United States has to…”
Turpin: “So risk management is the management of risks?”
Opponant: “I did not say that.”

Opponant: “Saddam Hussein violated his citizens.”
Emily’s comment: “Sexually?”

Also, QotMonth? is courtesy of that kid.

The last, like, month basically:

Shirui: “On the beach, there were these balloons. But they were actually condoms.”

Walck, on PMS: “Men have it too. They have it every day.”

Nick (to PK in the middle of class): “I have a bump right here and it’s kind of sore. You don’t think I have lymphoma, do you?”

PK, on a technological war and Vietnam: “Who had more toys than us?”
Alannah: “Mattel?”

Camper: “We’re going to have a lottery!”
Brinn: “Are we going to stone the winner?”
[No, they get to pick their poems to study first]
Chris: “Can you stone me to death instead?”

Ashley: “Quothe the raven–CAW CAW!”

Cosimano: “…y su profesión… es un arte muy interesante.” [And his profession is a very interesting art.]
Rosalie: “Prositución.” [Prositution]
Brinn: “No está un arte…” *beat* “Pues…” [That’s no an art. Well…]
Rosalie: “Pues. Pretty Woman.” [Well. Pretty Woman.]

“Rock, Paper, Scissors, shoot!”
Siarra: “GOD!”

Thurman: “Who’s the champion of universal healthcare?”
Matt and Brinn: “Canada!”

Ashley: “Cat-ions. Not cay-shuns. They live in New Orleans except not anymore cause they drowned.”

Thurman: “Sometimes there’s just one line at the bottom. What’s the cure for this?”
Ashley: “Paxil.”

Thurman on a puzzle thing: “It would be something that would lead to teen suicide, and I didn’t want a part of that.”

(identify “a fat blonde girl” in the novel Mill on the Floss)
Brinn: “Where was that in the book?”
Ashley: “It was in the epilouge. About Nick Kirby.”

(my math teacher left to take an administrative position)
Someone in the class: “At least we’ll know she’s in a better place.”
Someone else: “…She’s not dying.”

Walck: “Why did she have 17 kids? Because God wanted her to.”
Kristin: “God doesn’t want overcrowding.”

Someone in ToK: “They look at George Bush and they see a he.”
Sarah: “Actually, looking at Hillary Clinton, they might think she’s a man.”

Smith on Condi: “I would love to meet her. Even if she is a Republican, I would love to meet her.”

Collin: “Why do you think [muggers and such] target women and old people? They don’t usually have guns. And they’re really slow.”
Class: *uproar*
Collin: “The old people.”

Melissa: “I regulate who goes in and out of the room.”
Ashley: “Like a phospholipid bilayer!”

David on gun control: “Are we supposed to have God come down to say ‘Yep, he’s good for a gun, it’s chill.'”

Cosimano on the subjunctive: “I’m going to watch TV when I get home–I don’t know when that will be or even if it will happen; maybe I’ll get hit by a bus and get killed.”

Melissa: “Ugh, I look horrible [in this picture]. But my breasts looks great.”

From a very long time ago:

(a very big piece of ice is in my drink)
Brinn: “Half of Antarctica is in my glass.”
Siarra: “Antarctica’s really small. Well, you know, all that global warming.”

Dad: “There are so many things I could be dreaming about right now.”
Brinn(?): “Like a White Christmas?”

Quotes! A day, so today they are from English, Bio, and debate. QotD courtesy of Spam in bio on the subject of Walck’s drawing of a kidney.


Okay, there’s a lot of set up to this one. So today in English, we did presentations of scenes from The Mill on the Floss. Eric’s group did the scene where Maggie runs off to join the gypsies. Eric dressed up in underarmor (on his bottom half only, mind), and scarves tied on his bottom half for a skirt and on his top half for a tube top. Also, he had on a very messy, matted, wig.

Camper: “Eric’s a lot bitchier as a girl.”

Ashley: “He’s a nappy-headed ho.”

Lydia: “Where is the queen of the gypsies?”
Brinn: “I think Eric is the queen of the gypsies.”
Ashley: “He’s a queen, alright.”

Kevin: “We’ll take you [Maggie] on donkey. It gets like, 25 miles to the gallon.”

(Amy gives Kevin money for returning Lydia)
Kevin (to Eric): “So what can I get for five shillings?”
One, two, three–
Class: *death by laughter*


(on Deeva having kids)
Deeva: “I want to move to India so I can beat them.”
Spam: “You can beat them here.”
Brinn: “You just can’t get caught.”

(diagnosing endocrine issues)
Walck: “..sleeping briefly during the day and cannot fall asleep during the night hours.”
Spam: “IB.”

(Referencing English class)
Eric: “I looked like a… two dollar hooker…”
Walck: “I don’t think you’d get two dollars. That’s optimistic.”

Alex, telling a story about RI: “…our neighbors were like, ‘Woah, you caught a seagull!’ They were from Texas, which I don’t think has anything to do with it, so I probably shouldn’t have said it. Anyway, he was like, ‘Let me get my gun…'”


(Krista’s bill is about legalizing marajuana and making it a cash crop)
Jackson: “Do you know where it can grow?”
Krista: “In closets.”

(On defensive arguments)
Krista: “I’m a strong leader, I have a background in communications, and I did NOT sleep with that woman.”

(about a couple that morgaged their house to pay for Hannah Montana tickets)
Jackson: “I don’t know, there are a lot of fifteen-year-old parents running around.”

Later at home, on the subject of college applications and a girl who applied (and was accepted to) an all-male military college)
My mother: “…Her name was Shannon, so–. They ask for gender on the application. She left it blank, and she got accepted. And then when she showed up with her boobs…”
My father: “She should have left those at home.”


More funneh from a B-day, which includes history, spanish, Journalism, ToK, and a scholastic bowl meeting (QotD courtesy of PK).


Lindsey: “Raven! …By that, I mean Mrs. Petykowski.”

Eric: “How long did Goerring have his morphine addiction?”
Petykowski: “I think it’s an old one. It goes back pretty far.”
Alannah: “That’s powerful stuff.” *beat* “So I’ve heard.”

Petykowski: “[Hitler and Goerring form] a partnership of evil.”


Maria (a girl FROM SPAIN): “…mi amiga’s locker…”


Sarah: “Even if you study, you won’t necessarily do better.”
Valerie: “Well, I wouldn’t know; I don’t study. I thought it sounded good.”

Brinn: “How do you know that isn’t random?”
David: “Brinn, what is this, ToK?”



(On the subject of presentations in English)
Camper: “We’ll have a lottery to see who goes first.”
Me: “We should just stone that person.” (Ya know, The Lottery?)
Ashley: “Unless they’re already stoned.”

(My Journalism teacher, Thurman, handed out a matching worksheet featuring famous women in Journalism)
Me: “Christiane Amanpour? Why is she not on here?”
Thurman: “Old list?”
Me: “But Katie Couric is on here!”
Thurman: “She’s perky. We only like perky women.”

(on a Spanish summer program and its free cost)
Cosimano: “You just have to get yourself to Richmond.”
Margo: “HRT yourself there, girl!”

(While mocking private school kids who asked dumb questions at a play)
Camper: “Did you hear the one–‘Were the Russians on the side of the Allies?'”
Gabby: “Did you take history?”
Camper: “Exactly! Someone owes your parents ten thousand dollars!”

(while looking over a just-returned test)
Eric: “I can’t help but notice that most of these [errors] are spelling. Does spelling still count?”
Camper: “What…?”
Eric: “I might have spelled ‘learned’ with a t…”
Camper: “Learnt?!

(Donald, Lydia, and Toni go off to an SCA senate meeting. As they are walking out the door–)
Camper: “Beware the ides of March! Beware the ides of March!”
Class: “…”
Camper: “Oh, it’s not March. But you could still get stabbed!”
Class: *alarmed* “…”
Camper: “In the senate!”
Class: “…”
Camper: “I was making an allusion! To Ceasar!”
Class: “…Right.”




At schol bowl against FC on Monday:

Jess: “Ow, my finger!”
Derek: “Was it your thumb?”
Jess: “…No…”
Derek: “You’re fine.”

Question: “How many justices serve on the Supreme Court?”

Big black kid in response to a question: “Fergie. Don’t judge me!”

Deadline yesterday:

TaQuana (to the pizza delivery woman): “Hi pizza!”

Ashley: “My favorite Jessica Simpson song is La La.”
Everyone else: “…Ashlee?”

ToK today:

Nick: “…Like Valerie said, the water communicated with Helen Keller…”

David: “It’s not like the computer’s gonna be like, ‘Hey kid, I’m a computah!'”

Nick: “I don’t think it becomes a language until it has a spoken or written or telepathic form.”

Collin: “He’s saying bats don’t have eyes, but they can get a picture. Blind people don’t have eyes, but they can get a picture.”
Sarah: “…Blind people have eyes…”


Hello, my darlings, and welcome to another fun-filled LJ entry. In this edition, we have many a funny bio quote (so you’ll need to have a basis of immunity, depending on how well I can explain), some stuff from Nick and David’s ToK presentation on history, and a few funny stories that occured along the way. We’ll do this chronologically, kids. And the stories at the end. So, starting with ToK yesterday:

BG: Nick holds up a picture of a historical figure, asks who it is, what we know about him (they were all male, surprise surprise), and how we know it. This particular one is of Abe Lincoln.
Sophie: “I don’t remember his name, but he was the first president.”
Class: “…” *laugh*
Smith/Brinn/Half the class: “It’s okay, she’s foreign.”
(She’s Dutch. What can we say?)

(This one is Martin Luther King Junior)
Nick: “What do you know?”
Dale: “He was assassinated.”
Nick: “How do you know?”
Dale: “You don’t see him walking around!”

BG: I said something about there being personal history, like of yourself, and Gabby said it doesn’t matter since my personal history doesn’t make a difference in the world.
Nick: “What if Brinn becomes famous?”
Gabby: “If Brinn becomes a crazy dictator–”
Brinn: “Of all the things I could be famous for, I’m a crazy dictator?”
Gabby: “That’s what I felt personified you the most.”

BG: Nick asked us what color shirt he wore Friday. We guessed. He told us a color.
Nick: “I told you what I wore.”
Gabby: “You don’t even remember what you wore, do you?”
Nick: “The point is…”
(Meaning no.)

BG: On the use of history:
Valerie: “I don’t think it matters at all. And I have Petykowski, so I’m okay.” […] “I think history should be regarded as a hobby.”

BG: Zach said something about learning from WWII and bombing Japan or something. I didn’t quite catch it. Something like them learning not to mess with us.
Zach: “Maybe we’re not learning, but they are.”

Gabby: “[The SOL is the] lowest common denomenator or you’re an idiot.”

Sophie: “If someone puts [an atomic bomb] in front of me, I’m not going to set it off.” […] “It’s probably not going to happen.”
Class: “…Probably?

Nick: “[The SOL tests] are not hard. It weeds out the…”
(Stupid kids.)

Collin: “[Jamestown]. 1607. Everyone died. They had bad water. OH, and it was a giant triangle.”

And now for the bio ones (including QotD):

BG: Conally and Alyssa are acting out the humoral response. Conally is a B-cell and Alyssa is a pathogen.Conally ran at Alyssa (intending to “engulf” her or whatever, and Alyssa ran out the door.
Walck: “That’s how antibodies work–scare the hell out of the pathogen.”
(YES, she said hell.)

BG: Gabby and I acted out hybridoma by walked toward each other and hugging.The point of this activity, by the way, was for the class to guess what we were.
Xu: “Lesbians!”

And now for story time. I feel as though I should start with the bio one because it was the funniest. It’s kind of hard to explain so you get it and I wish I’d had my camera, but bear with me. So Xu and Neal (I know, oh God) were acting out the transmission of HIV. So they stand at the front of the class, flipping their hands around at a 45 degree angle, talking with a lisp, and being very touchy-feely. Neal walks away from Xu, and Xu pantomimes lasso’ing Neal back to him, and the two of them sort of back up out of the door of the classroom. By this point, we’re all laughing so hard we’re crying and starting to wonder why Xu and Neal are taking so long outside of the room. Then Neal comes back in a few moments later, his sweater pulled up over his head and looking very mussed. A few moments later, Xu walked in, also looking very mussed. And it took several minutes before the class was able to calm down enough to do anything else.


The majority of these quotes came from English class that day we talked about Hamlet’s Oedipus Complex. I believe it was the day WNB’s were due… But anyway, here’s a bunch of lovely quotes (including QotD, which is more like Qot week since I’ve been so lax, and it’s really only there cause it’s less than 100 characters):

Gabby: “They don’t make shorts with four-inch inseams for girls!”
Ashley: “They’re called pants.”

Xu (on the two versions of Hamlet): “…the fifty year old man version…” (Kenneth Brannaugh) and “…the anti-semitic drunk version…” (Mel Gibson)

Lydia (after being called on to speak): “I was just going to agree with Eric… Which is weird.”

BG: Gabby STILL hasn’t turned in her Federal Card. Camper was calling role or something like that, turns to Gabby, and says,
Camper: “System abusing freeloader?”

BG: Someone might have mentioned the theory that Ophelia was preggers when she killed herself based on some crackpot theory. We told Camper.
Camper: “Who told you that?”
Ashley: “His name might have started with ‘Patrick Handley’.”

BG: Gabby doesn’t think Hamlet and Ophelia were doing the matress mambo. The horizontal tango. IT. Camper says they were like, thirty, then:
Camper: “What did you think they were, library partners?”

BG: The girls think Hamlet has an Oedipus Complex. The boys disagree.
Camper: “You guys are uncomfortable with that because it’s plagued you your whole lives.”

Xu (also about the Oedipus Complex): “If that ever happened to me, I’d throw myself off the Lesner Bridge, and if that didn’t work, I’d bludgeon myself to death.”
Camper: “Thou doth protest too much, methinks.”

Chris: “I’d like to defend the Oedipus thing.”
Xu: “Why are you so gay?”

Okay, moving on to other classes. First, from ToK about homecoming stuff:

Kaitlin (explaining the hall): “…an entertainment district, a fashion district…”
Brinn (whispering to Sarah): “Red light district?”
Okay, it’s funny. If it were anyone else it would deserve to be here. I can be funny too.

My favorite moment from Hall night:
Stacey (about a painting): “This is SO WET.”
Ashley: “That’s what she said!”

Other favorite hall moment:
Ashley (about a locker cut out): “Just put it where the hole is.”
Brinn: “That’s what she said!”

From Bio today, while discussing how pregnancy tests are made and how to use them:
Walck: “…the boys from last class thought you stuck the stick up the vagina.”
Spam: “That’s how you GET pregnant.”

And two from the Schol Bowl meet against OL today:

Answer to some question: Bounded set.
Spam: “You know, like, ‘I tied you up and bound you.'”

Question (Wilkes reading): “In 1984, holding two contradictory thoughts in one’s mind is called–”
Wilkes: “The answer is doublethink. Today, we call that the Bush admin–” *laughter from room* “But I digress.”

That’s all the quotes, but I do have one very short but very hilarious story:

So the other day, we’re chillin in History before the bell. You know, hanging out, finishing homework. And across the room, TO MRS. PETYKOWSKI, Nick Kirby yells, “Hey, mom!”

He then clarified: “I want to call my mom, that’s why I said that, Mrs. Petykowski.”

But Nick Kirby still called PK “mom”.


(Subject line courtesy of Walck)


BG: During the science presentation (my group) in ToK during a discussion:
Collin: “…like with how much bone marrow is in a baby. You’re not going to kill a baby, you’re going to take one that’s already dead.”

In J1 today:
Melissa Muldenado: “I take a hot shower, then have to go back in my cold room. It’s hell.:
Thurman: “…Hell is hot.”

In bio today/last class:

Walck: “Naturally, there’s no reason for blood to mix.”
Gabby: “…if you go around deflowering virgins…”

Walck: “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”
Xu: “Of the beerholder.”
(Okay, not that funny. But from Xu and in context…)

Walck (during a schpiel on immunity): “The baby in here is one big antigen.”

And one from English last class, regarding late Federal Cards:
Camper: “…then they start hasseling me, and you know what happens when they hassel me?”
Class: “…You hassel us?”
Camper: “They lead me away in handcuffs. I don’t take hasseling well.”

And now the bulk of them. So Saturday was middle school debate judging. Of course, those kids provide a ton of amusing quotes. So here they are, arranged by round. BG: The resolution is about increasing health aide to Africa, but they can’t talk about AIDS or STDs or genital mutilation or pretty much anything to do with sex. No AIDS, I know.

Round One:

A parent before the round: “Are you as young as you look.” Me: “I’m a senior, actually.” Parent: *surprised* “Oh.”

In cross ex: “Can you prove that?” “Yes.” “…Are you going to?”

Aff rebuttal: “Basically, we’re taking a small amount of money from the Iraq war, which is going to wrap up soon…”
Me thinking: Aww, how naive. Like you’re not going to get sent off to Iraq if you join the military in a couple of years.

Round Two:

During cx: “What is the environment in Africa?” “Poor.” “Could you describe poor?”

“…and chances are they’re going to spend it all on golden Mercedes and palaces.”
“Do you have proof of golden Mercedes and palaces?”

“My partner did not state that we have our own problems. She stated that we THINK we have our own problems.”

“Americans have no shortage of money, so we can tax them.”

“Many people get killed from drunk driving because of illegal immigration.”

“We do have our own problems–poverty, libel…” (LIBEL? WTF?)

“MRSA’s also a big problem… It’s very fatal.”

“According to yahoo.com…” (Always a credible source)

“We will go into a depression like the Great Depression, which was only cured by WWII.” (uh…)

“Do you have proof that there is poverty in the US?” “The USA. That’s my source.” … “TV is my source. My own EYES are my source.” (Might as well deny the holocaust…)

Round Three:

“The country of sub-Saharan Africa…” (uh…)

“Can you restate your speech in your own words?” “I believe my speech was in my own words.”

Quarter Final:

“What happens if your plan fails?” “Our plan won’t fail.”

“…unnatural disasters like a bomb. Or war.”


So last week Tuesday at poetry slam, we were writing about regret. As per usual, Thurman added a reference to himself: “…Mr. T still regrets never putting the moves on Lenore…” Ashley was reading the sheet with that on it (because I CAN delegate), except what SHE read was, “…Mr. T still regrets never putting the moves on Leroy.” And laughter ensued.


QotD courtesy of Chris during English. Yay. Other English quotes:

Collin: *says something about Hamlet*
Camper: “Where does it say that?”
Collin: “In Foldgers … the large print, so I couldn’t have missed it.”

Camper: “[Rosencratz and Gildenstern] are the kids with the beer bong at a party.”

Toni: “…that they’re willing to die for something as little as Poland…”

And a story, followed by a quote. Federal cards were due back today. The other side of the room feels the need to discuss Donald’s. Apparently, his mother wrote on a sticky note that Donald is gifted and therefore the special education box should be checked. Really, the actual text of the note was funnier, but still. And this sets up:

Camper: “Horatio was like an IB kid like you guys. Except not like Donald. He’s not that smart.”
Ashley: “He’s not that special.”

And one more from bio:

Bower (about a flyer on MRSA for homework): “It’s extra credit if you come down with this.”


That lovely display of Spanglish is from Cosimano in Spanish today. Also included? “She supo”, “That’s when I conoci a Maria” and “If you saber something… when you conocer something…” Oh yes.

Other quotes (from ToK):

David (on math as a universal language): “It’s not like you’re like, ‘Math math math,’ and they’re like ‘Oh? Math math.'”

Gabby: “I’m talking about Joe Smith–”
Collin: “It’s John Smith.”

This one is kind of a story. So for the math activity today, Collin had a marble launcher and we had to try and launch the marble into a cake pan. We tried a couple of times, and then he determined the correct angle with a complicated formula and some math. It involved some cosine and some tangent and such. Then he and Zach collectively try to give the marble launcher a practical use. Collin described it as a catepult, shooting bodies that died from the plague to a castle. Cause apparently they did that. Gabby’s staring at the two of them like they’ve lost their minds and finally she says, “So I’m sitting in Medieval England with this equation?”


Quote courtesy of my sister and father, respectively. It was very amusing. And under 100 characters.

Schol bowl meet against Salem today. There was varsity win and JV LOSS. But some interesting/funny things occured. So, quotes:

Victor, introducing the team: “And to my left is… David? And to my other left is Neal.”
(They were seated Neal, David, Victor, Ryan)

Boy on Salem Team: “Happy Feet.”
Taylor (who was timekeeping): “I don’t want to know how you know that.”
*A note on Mrs. Taylor: I really like her. She’s funny. We should have her around more often. She makes the matches so much more interesting with her comments. I like her a lot.

Team members introduce themselves. Greg’s introduction? “Mr. Karpov.”

Question: “Where were Chauser’s pilgrams going?”
The PA JV answer: “Home.”

Petykowski: “Steven, what are you smoking?”



I am SURE there was context to this quote, but I cannot for the life of me remember it. I wrote it down because it was amusing, and now I have no idea what it means. Shame, as I’m sure the context was amusing as well.

The subject of tonight’s post is largely the TDL yeserday. Amusing things were said and occured, and I feel the need to document them.

BG: Brinn doesn’t like to be touched.
Alex: “I need to infuse the love of God into you.”
Brinn: “I’m agnostic.”
Alex: “That’s cause I haven’t touched you enough.”

BG: The next three quotes were from a round with that kid from… somewhere, Michael Jordan. So all were said by him.

“It’s easier to get out of prison than to get out of death.” (Obviously)

“My oponent doesn’t get it.” (Well I thought it was amusing)

BG: State of nature, but still…
“…we were always being violated.”

STORY TIME! Numbered for your convenience.

1. Turpin was explaining some philosophy of Kant to Alex while we were chatting in a big circle. At one point he goes, “If I use you…” and then a moment later, “If I use you and it’s mutually beneficial…” The amusing part comes in where Sonia and I (oKAY, mostly I) took this in the dirtiest way possible. I can think of several activites that would require Turpin using Alex that would be mutually beneficial. Heh. Then Spam yelled at me for having my mind in the gutter and I ignored him. Because I like the gutter.

2. In the same circle, Alex mentioned that she wanted to simultaneously marry Dane Cook, her aff case (she really loved it), and me. Yeah. Then when I made dirty references, she chastised me and said maybe she didn’t really want to marry me at all. And that was mildly upsetting because life with Dane Cook would certainly be amusing.

3. One of my aff contentions was about the brutality effect. Don’t worry about what it is. The point is, in one of my rounds, this term was changed into several similar but different ones including “brutalization effect”, “brutal effect”, and my personal favorite, “brutalitarianism”.

4. While waiting for awards, Gabby and I were sitting at one end of a cafeteria table (well, we were more in the middle, but at the end of the group), chatting with Neal. At some point, Gabby mentions that she sees Neal as a wife beater in the future. Neal says no, “I’d be the most loving husband ever.” And then Gabby says, “Prove it.” So Neal tries: “Marry me.” Gabby blanches and says something to the effect of “Uh…Idon’tthinksono”, and then Neal, continuing his previous thought, says, “I would fuck you so hard…” And whatever came next was lost as Gabby and I ran very quickly to the other end of the table.



Alrighty guys… Sorry it’s been so long since the last entry. Things have been hectic to say the least. I’m working on it. But regardless, here is a stock of quotes and funny stories from the last couple of days to amuse you:

BG: There’s a line in some soliloquy about a whore or something, and Camper is explaining it while we’re translating into modern English:
Camper: “When a man and a woman love each other, sometimes they do an action. When whores do this actionm they don’t always love the person, so it seems very contrived and it doesn’t mean much.”

Alex: (in a practice round with Patrick) “Remember that, it’s going to be a critical voting issue later in the round… and also right now.”

BG: No idea.
Walck: “…and you start having this big problem because it’s killing you.”

BG: Viruses and things floating around outside the cell…
Walck: “What if it goes into a cell? Am I doomed?”
Half the class: “Yes.”

Smith: “Ben Franklin slept with every woman around… and probably some men too.”

BG: Asking if something is a work of art. Collin’s considering his childhood.
Collin: “If it made it on the refrigerador, it’s either important or my artwork, and that clearly isn’t important.”

Zach: “…[the Mona Lisa] is like Chuck Norris jokes.”

Zach: “…before [Hitler] became super Nazi…”

BG: Five shapes… had to order them to determine things about yourself. We think the ordering is arbitrary.
Collin: “You can make a circle out of triangles and a little bit of calculus.”

And now we’re on to the amusing stories bit… And I have quite a few of them actually, so I think I shall number them for easy reading. Yay listing.

1. In ToK the other day, Zach seriously suggested that the reason there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq after Bush said they were is because the CIA was led by democrats, and they supplied him with false information. Yeah.

2. Went to Bush Gardens with the fam today. Several amusing occurences occured. First of which: Was in line for the haunted house under Pompeii. Two annoying teenage girls behind me. One to the other: “You can grab me however you want.”

3. Went in the haunted house behind the bumper cars with my mother. This is the one’s that’s dressed up like a house. There’s a corridor with words written on the walls, and I stopped to read one passage, and this guy comes up RIGHT IN MY FACE. And me being me, I said, “HEY. You are WAY TOO CLOSE. And I’m trying to read this.” And the guy goes, “This isn’t Reading Rainbow.”

4. Haunted thing where the petting zoo used to be… The Wicked Woods. There’s a bunch of shrouded figures in this place. And these teenage boys behind us start shouting “EXPECTO PATRONUM!” Which I thought was hilarious.



First I’ll explain this story, then move on to the hundred other quotes I’ve collected in the last couple of days but have lacked the initiative to actually post. So Cosimano was telling her IB 5 class about this essay this kid wrote on the death penalty. The death penalty, in Spanish, is “pena de muerte”. This kid did not write that. This kid wrote “pene de muerte”. Which means… you guessed it, Penis of Death. Heck yes.

Margo: “My boyfriend taught me how to wrestle… NOT LIKE THAT.”

BG: On the way to Battle of the Brains, Deeva is working on a rubix cube. Spam is watching her do this, and all of a sudden shouts:
Spam: “HOLD ON, I have to analyze this!”

Deeva: “You have to think of [English] as history’s sister… You have math and science, English and history.”
Spam: “It’s the wicked step-sister!”

BG: We’re discussing Gabby’s b-day party and how she wants to take everyone’s v-card. She’s allowed to do it, and I’m allowed to do it because my birthday is also in December. Then, TO ME, Gabby says:
Gabby: “No one’s allowed to have sex on my birthday except you and me!”

BG: I… really don’t know.
Jess: “You can grope anyone. It don’t matter.”

Okay, this set has a set-up to it. So on Thursday, I went over to KLMS after debate to judge middle school debate. As a judge. As a high school judge. And I’m walking down the hallway to get to the room in which I am going to judge, and this kid comes out into the hallway and asks me, “Are you VB middle?” And I’m like, “…I’m a judge. In high school.” And Alex, from across the room, goes, “She’s a senior.” So yeah. So I look like a middle schooler. Go me. Yeah. There are quotes from the round though, which I will proceed to share with you:

“This could lead to catestrophic… catestrophe.”

“The world could basically… die.”

“You didn’t specifically state all 47 countries…”

“…and try to act like we’re better than them, like a lot of Americans do to people from other countries.”

“Most births are given by teenage mothers. In Africa.” (Me: NO SEX!)

“Can you prove 1.2 million people are dying daily?”

“If you have a lot of gummy bears, that’s better than killing… I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“I believe most people would die for their country.” (Me: Uh…)

“Most people do not want to live in sub-Saharan Africa.”

Yeah… basically the neg argument was that Africa doesn’t need our help because they’re overpopulated and we need death checks. Population control, ftw.

Oh, and one more quote: Yesterday while in the back of my truck, Gabby, Patrick and I were discussing weight. Patrick said how weight doesn’t matter, just figure. And then:
Patrick: “It’s not like someone’s saying ‘You must weigh this much to ride the Bradley.'”


QotD courtesy of Gabby and myself, respectively.


Random person in the hallway: “You’re ruining Columbus Day for me!”
Other random person: “You don’t believe in Columbus Day!”

Surace: “It’s like tying your shoes. You didn’t get it the first time.”
Veronica: “I did.”

Spam: “I don’t even remember a guy named Cornelius [in Hamlet].”
Chris: “He’s the Minister of Magic… for a while.”

Camper: “What are you doing for your game?”
Xu: “You get to punch Chris in the face if you get the question right… slash wrong.”

Brinn: “You’re just as petulant and adolescent as everyone else.”
Gabby: “But I’ve grown up in other ways.”
Brinn: “I bet you have.”

<3 Ciao,

Some quotes:

BG: My sister and I have this amazing metaphor for relationships. Those who “have their cake and eat it too” as Alex would say (meaning have a gf and potential/physical/emotional relationships on the side), are said to have a tub of ice cream in the freezer and then go out for more every so often. So I said something about being on the side as I was and…
Siarra: “So you’re the $.49 McDonald’s cone?”

BG: Katie talking about some project or other…
Katie: “…it was 20th Century inventions, and we did ice.”
(She meant like, freezer ice cubes)

Someone/class: *laugh*
Sarah: “Don’t EJECT the baby with the bathwater, not INject.”

BG: Adding ‘ey’ to the end of words (to be cutesy) annoys Valerie very much.
Zach: “You can have levels of intolerance–you can be intolerant of little things like ‘ey’ sounds at the end of words, or you can be Hitler.”
Valerie: “Are you comparing me to Hitler?”

BG: Zach was saying how the Netherlands was founded on Christian values, and therefore the people must need God.
David: “…unless the country was radiating Christian values…”

BG: I actually have no idea. But it was funny.
Dale: “I just want to ask Jessica a question–will you marry me? Cause…”
Class: *laughs*
Jessica: “No.”


ToK quotes from the other day:

(Smith’s telling us about the time she ran a red light at six in the morning on Haygood)
Smith: “I just chose not to stop.”
Collin: “How many moving violations?”
Smith: “In 40 years? Two.”
Collin: “Any felonies?”
Smith: “Not disclosing.”

(Discussing things we condemn)
Brinn: “And I also dislike stupidity.”
Nick: “How are you going to look RIGHT AT ME and say that?!”
(I wasn’t actually looking at him intentionally. But he went on to say something about not tolerating differences of opinions in social laws, like marriage, and I turned to Gabby and said, “Maybe I was looking at Nick.”)

Valerie: “I hate when people chew with their mouths open. […] I will punch you in the face. If I know you.”

David: “His duty is to protect the well-being of the town, and the town is obviously not well since it just got hit by a meteor.”

And other classes:

{TaQ isn’t there yet)
Mario: “TaQuana died.”
Veronica: “How did she die?”
Mario: “She was too short.”

Ashley: “What is Gifted Advisory Board?”
Brinn: “Search me.”
Ashley: “No thank you.”

(An old one}
Surace: “They’re two different things… they’re not even spelled the same.”


Okay. Here it is. What you’ve all been waiting for. The super funny and amazing script version of World War One for your studying pleasure. Mind, it doesn’t go into detail, but I think it’s a nice overview and helps with the chronology and what major events are. I included all of the events on that sheet PK gave us except for the Somme cause I really just didn’t feel like it.

Also: I know I think I’m funnier than I am. Suck it up. If you don’t think I’m funny, then just don’t bother. Don’t say anything. Don’t crush my ego.

World War One in Fifteen Minuets
Or: Brinn thinks she’s hilarious and doesn’t care what anyone else says.

Scene: Department of Back Story

Germany: *becomes a country*
France: *sweat drop*
Germany: *tries to take over the world*
Moroccan Crisis: *happens*
Brinn: *has no idea what that is*
France: *is isolated*
Bismarck: *dies*
World: *falls apart*
War: *is imminent*

Scene: Sarajevo

Serb Terrorists: “For Narnia Serbia!” *shoots*
Franz Ferdinand: “I’m melting!” *dies*
Kaiser: “NOOOOOO!” *sob* “Franz! My love! Serbia, you will pay for this! Austria!”
Austria: “You rang?”
Kaiser: “So I’m going to need you to take out Serbia. They killed Franz. Punish your children accordingly. We’ll give you whatever it takes.” *blank checks*
Austria: *sigh* “SERBIA! Get in here. We have some things to discuss.”
Serbia: “Yes?”
Austria: “Kaiser said you were being bad. You are grounded until further notice. Also, you are ubergrounded for continuing to try and sneak out. You are not going anywhere except for school. That’s it.”
Serbia: “But…”
Serbia: “Russia! Daddy!”
Russia: “Uh… talk to your mother. France? Deal with this.”

Scene: Belgium

Germany: *enters*
Belgium: “Go away!” *shoots*
Germany: “Why you little…” *swats*
Belgium: “Owie. We’re still in this!” *snipes*
Germany: *lays the smackdown*
A lot of people: *die*
Germany: “Alright, now that that’s done. On to France!”

Scene: France

France: “Okay guys, we can do this. We want it more. And that’s all that matters, really.”
Germany: “Pfft. Alright guys, we’re gonna circle up around Paris and beat it up. Ready? BREAK.” *smackdown*
France: “Owie.” *lose*
Brinn: “Wow, France loses. Who’s surprised really?”
Germany: “We are the champions…”
Britain: “Hey teacher, leave those kids alone!”
Germany: “Oh crap. Okay guys, reroute.”
Britain: *more smackdown*
Russia: “GAWD. Cool it people.” *mobilizes*
Germany: *sweat drop*
Battle of the Marne: *happens*
Germany: *get their rear ends handed to them* “So…tired… Quit aiming machine guns at us!” *trench*
Everyone Else: “Hey! Good idea!” *trench*
Stalemate: *occurs*
Christmas: *comes and goes*

Scene: Italian Brothel

Italy: “I’m not showing anything til I see the money.”
Allies: *flash some bills*
Italy: “Alright then. Where’s that pole…?”
*additional obligatory sexual innuendo*

Scene: Lusitania

Germans: “Don’t board the ship!” *seize* “Gah…”
Captain: “Pfft. Don’t listen to that guy. All aboard!”
People: “Uh… okay…” *board*
Germany: “BWAHAHA!” *explodes ship*
Lusitania: *sinks*
Americans: *die*
Wilson: *glare*
Germany: “Uh… our bad? Sorry about that. Won’t happen again.”

Scene: Verdun

Germany: “We will, we will rock you…”
Generals: “Alright kids, plan time. Basically, shoot ‘em up.”
Troops: “Sweet!” *shoots*
France: “Sacre bleu! My favorite city!” *fights back*
Germany: “TAKE ‘EM DOWN! Yeah, they got that fighting spirit NOW. Just wait til we’re done with ‘em. Plan 17.” *scoff* *shoots*
France: “I’m melting…”
German Troops: “Uh, boss? We seem to be dying here also. Are you sure this was a good idea?”
German General: “YES! Sure we’re dying, but MORE of them are dying. It’s simple mathematics, silly.”
German Troops: “Uh… okay.”
Everyone: *dies, pretty much*

Scene: The Home Front

Britain: “Die Join up with your pals! No risk at all! Just good, clean fun for all.”
Boys: “Okay!” *join*
Britain: “Take those evil Germans out!”
People: “Yay!”
Britain: “Oh, also, we’re going to need like, all of your scrap metal and your sugar.”
People: “Um… okay…”
Britain: “It’s for the war, people. Oh, also, ladies, we’re going to need the dresses.”
Men: *salivate*
Women: “ExCUSE me?”
Britain: *sigh* “Cause you can wear PANTS now. GAWD.”
Women: “Ohhh. Gotcha.”
Britain: “Also, since you’re so amazing, I guess we’ll let you vote too.”
Women: “Yay!”

Scene: America

Germany: *blows stuff up* “Oh, A-MER-ica!” *flutters eyelashes*
Wilson: “One—two—three…”
Germany: *blows more stuff up*
Wilson: “Four—five—six—seven…”
Germany: *blows a raspberry* “America’s fat and stupid!” *blows more stuff up*
Wilson: “Eight—nine…”
Germany: “Psst! Mexico! If you help us, we’ll give you like, New Mexico and Texas and stuff. Wilson: “That is IT! To war! To war!”
Germany: “Except not really, we just wanted to make Wilson mad…”

Scene: Operation Michael

Germany: *stormtroops* “We are the champions…”
Allies: “Owie. Alright men, regroup.”
Germany: “Bombs away!” *lays the smackdown*
Allies: *sniffle*
German troops: “Victory!”
Something shiny: *glitters*
German troops: “oooh…” *steal*
German Generals: “GO! FIGHT! WIN!”
Germany: *more stormtrooping*
German Generals: “Get it!”
German troops: “Hey, we’re tired.” *cough* “And also have the flu.”
German Generals: “Crap. Navy?”
German Navy: “You guys won already, remember? I like my rear end, I don’t want it handed to me. Or like, you know, die.” *mutiny, of the Kiel variety*
German Generals: “Anyone?”
Britain/France: “TAKE THAT!” *smackdown*
British/French Generals: “How’s that, Germany?”
British/French troops: “Hey, how bout a break here, boss?”
America: “Dun da da dun dun da dun! We have arrived!”
Allies: “Fab! Send those guys in to the line, plzkthx.”
Pershing: “How about NO. We are AMERICA. We stick together. The importance of the family unit and all.”
America: *lays the smackdown*
Germany: “Owie…” *surrender/withdraw/LOSE*


Scene: Russia

People: “You don’t romance me anymore…”
Government: “Now honey, don’t do anything drastic.”
People: “No. This is the last straw. I can’t take this anymore. I’m kicking you out.”
Russia: “Uh… guys? The missus and I are having a little problem. We’re going to have to sit this one out.”
Germany: “Sure, fine. But it has come to our attention that you are unfit parents. We’re taking the children until you can work out your differences. They really are old enough to be on their own anyway.”
Russia: “Noo! My babies! Finland! Ukraine!” *sob*
New Independent States: “YES! PARTY TIME!”
Every Other Country: “We’re watching you…”

Scene: Germany

Military: *is losing*
Hindenburg and Ludendorff: “About that… See, what happened was…”
Kaiser: “Yeah, whatever.” *pulls a Trump* “You’re fired.”
Hindenburg and Ludendorff: “…” *run away*
People: “Oh GAWD, why bother?” *ennui*
Military: “Hey, step it up!”
People: “Uh… no.” *strike*
Military: “Fine, we’ll play hardball. All the strikers—to WAR!”
People: “Uh… no.” *more strike*
Kaiser: *pulls a Marie Antoinette*
Government: “Hmm… This is a problem. Flee!” *flies*
People: “I got the power!”
New Gov’t: “Actually, we got the power.”
People: :(
Government: “I’m thinking peace.”
People: “I’m thinking not.” *strike*
Government: “Away!” *flees*
Allies: *are still laying the smackdown*
Germany: “Can’t…go on…”

Scene: Armistice Day

Allies: “Right, so you lose, right?”
Germany: “…yeah.”
Allies: “Okay. So we’re going to need you to cough up all of your territories.”
Germany: “…okay.”
Britain and France: *mad dash for territories*
Japan/Italy/China: “HEY!”
Allies: *ignores* “Also, your army can’t be bigger than 100,000 and you can’t have any heavy artillery, submarines, or aircraft.”
Germany: *sniffle* “Okay.”
Allies: “And we’re giving the floor to France. France?”
France: “We demand one trillion dollars francs!” *maniacal laughter*
Germany: “…”
Allies: “Oh, also, everything is your fault.”
Germany: “Say what?! To arms!”
Allies: *threaten*
Germany: “Oh, fine.” *signs*
Allies: “HA! WE OWN YOU!”
Hitler: “That’s what you think…”

To Be Continued.



(BG: Alex and I saw Corey shoving a backpack that looked like Patrick’s into a trashcan. Patrick denied that it was is, seeing as he had his with him, then Alex said:)
Alex: “In a crazy scheme to make a profit, Jansport could have made more than one.”
(At least I think that’s how it went)

(BG: In debate, Patrick (again) is talking about consequences and intentions of actions and trying to explain his point to Neal:)
Patrick: “If I push a chair over, that’s generally considered an amoral action. But if I push a chair off the Empire State Building with you on it, the consequences are a little different.”

Xu (during a bio test): “Daniel’s distracting me by looking at my face!”

Xu: “It’s like if a cruise missle hit your house. Maybe that’s not the best analogy to use.”

Katy and Ginnie came up to me about my column (which I don’t know if will ever actually get done… I might just say screw it), and I was explaining how it might be amusing to detail events concerning interpersonal conflicts, meaning high school drama and pettiness. And Katy goes, “Well, I don’t know if those would be interracial conflicts…” And Ginnie and I said at the same time, “InterPERSONAL conflicts.”