Okay. Here it is. What you’ve all been waiting for. The super funny and amazing script version of World War One for your studying pleasure. Mind, it doesn’t go into detail, but I think it’s a nice overview and helps with the chronology and what major events are. I included all of the events on that sheet PK gave us except for the Somme cause I really just didn’t feel like it.

Also: I know I think I’m funnier than I am. Suck it up. If you don’t think I’m funny, then just don’t bother. Don’t say anything. Don’t crush my ego.

World War One in Fifteen Minuets
Or: Brinn thinks she’s hilarious and doesn’t care what anyone else says.

Scene: Department of Back Story

Germany: *becomes a country*
France: *sweat drop*
Germany: *tries to take over the world*
Moroccan Crisis: *happens*
Brinn: *has no idea what that is*
France: *is isolated*
Bismarck: *dies*
World: *falls apart*
War: *is imminent*

Scene: Sarajevo

Serb Terrorists: “For Narnia Serbia!” *shoots*
Franz Ferdinand: “I’m melting!” *dies*
Kaiser: “NOOOOOO!” *sob* “Franz! My love! Serbia, you will pay for this! Austria!”
Austria: “You rang?”
Kaiser: “So I’m going to need you to take out Serbia. They killed Franz. Punish your children accordingly. We’ll give you whatever it takes.” *blank checks*
Austria: *sigh* “SERBIA! Get in here. We have some things to discuss.”
Serbia: “Yes?”
Austria: “Kaiser said you were being bad. You are grounded until further notice. Also, you are ubergrounded for continuing to try and sneak out. You are not going anywhere except for school. That’s it.”
Serbia: “But…”
Austria: “NO BUTS! RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!”
Serbia: “Russia! Daddy!”
Russia: “Uh… talk to your mother. France? Deal with this.”

Scene: Belgium

Germany: *enters*
Belgium: “Go away!” *shoots*
Germany: “Why you little…” *swats*
Belgium: “Owie. We’re still in this!” *snipes*
Germany: *lays the smackdown*
A lot of people: *die*
Germany: “Alright, now that that’s done. On to France!”

Scene: France

France: “Okay guys, we can do this. We want it more. And that’s all that matters, really.”
Germany: “Pfft. Alright guys, we’re gonna circle up around Paris and beat it up. Ready? BREAK.” *smackdown*
France: “Owie.” *lose*
Brinn: “Wow, France loses. Who’s surprised really?”
Germany: “We are the champions…”
Britain: “Hey teacher, leave those kids alone!”
Germany: “Oh crap. Okay guys, reroute.”
Britain: *more smackdown*
Russia: “GAWD. Cool it people.” *mobilizes*
Germany: *sweat drop*
Battle of the Marne: *happens*
Germany: *get their rear ends handed to them* “So…tired… Quit aiming machine guns at us!” *trench*
Everyone Else: “Hey! Good idea!” *trench*
Stalemate: *occurs*
Christmas: *comes and goes*

Scene: Italian Brothel

Italy: “I’m not showing anything til I see the money.”
Allies: *flash some bills*
Italy: “Alright then. Where’s that pole…?”
*additional obligatory sexual innuendo*

Scene: Lusitania

Germans: “Don’t board the ship!” *seize* “Gah…”
Captain: “Pfft. Don’t listen to that guy. All aboard!”
People: “Uh… okay…” *board*
Germany: “BWAHAHA!” *explodes ship*
Lusitania: *sinks*
Americans: *die*
Wilson: *glare*
Germany: “Uh… our bad? Sorry about that. Won’t happen again.”

Scene: Verdun

Germany: “We will, we will rock you…”
Generals: “Alright kids, plan time. Basically, shoot ‘em up.”
Troops: “Sweet!” *shoots*
France: “Sacre bleu! My favorite city!” *fights back*
Germany: “TAKE ‘EM DOWN! Yeah, they got that fighting spirit NOW. Just wait til we’re done with ‘em. Plan 17.” *scoff* *shoots*
France: “I’m melting…”
German Troops: “Uh, boss? We seem to be dying here also. Are you sure this was a good idea?”
German General: “YES! Sure we’re dying, but MORE of them are dying. It’s simple mathematics, silly.”
German Troops: “Uh… okay.”
Everyone: *dies, pretty much*

Scene: The Home Front

Britain: “Die Join up with your pals! No risk at all! Just good, clean fun for all.”
Boys: “Okay!” *join*
Britain: “Take those evil Germans out!”
People: “Yay!”
Britain: “Oh, also, we’re going to need like, all of your scrap metal and your sugar.”
People: “Um… okay…”
Britain: “It’s for the war, people. Oh, also, ladies, we’re going to need the dresses.”
Men: *salivate*
Women: “ExCUSE me?”
Britain: *sigh* “Cause you can wear PANTS now. GAWD.”
Women: “Ohhh. Gotcha.”
Britain: “Also, since you’re so amazing, I guess we’ll let you vote too.”
Women: “Yay!”

Scene: America

Germany: *blows stuff up* “Oh, A-MER-ica!” *flutters eyelashes*
Wilson: “One—two—three…”
Germany: *blows more stuff up*
Wilson: “Four—five—six—seven…”
Germany: *blows a raspberry* “America’s fat and stupid!” *blows more stuff up*
Wilson: “Eight—nine…”
Germany: “Psst! Mexico! If you help us, we’ll give you like, New Mexico and Texas and stuff. Wilson: “That is IT! To war! To war!”
Germany: “Except not really, we just wanted to make Wilson mad…”

Scene: Operation Michael

Germany: *stormtroops* “We are the champions…”
Allies: “Owie. Alright men, regroup.”
Germany: “Bombs away!” *lays the smackdown*
Allies: *sniffle*
German troops: “Victory!”
Something shiny: *glitters*
German troops: “oooh…” *steal*
German Generals: “GO! FIGHT! WIN!”
Germany: *more stormtrooping*
German Generals: “Get it!”
German troops: “Hey, we’re tired.” *cough* “And also have the flu.”
German Generals: “Crap. Navy?”
German Navy: “You guys won already, remember? I like my rear end, I don’t want it handed to me. Or like, you know, die.” *mutiny, of the Kiel variety*
German Generals: “Anyone?”
Britain/France: “TAKE THAT!” *smackdown*
British/French Generals: “How’s that, Germany?”
British/French troops: “Hey, how bout a break here, boss?”
America: “Dun da da dun dun da dun! We have arrived!”
Allies: “Fab! Send those guys in to the line, plzkthx.”
Pershing: “How about NO. We are AMERICA. We stick together. The importance of the family unit and all.”
America: *lays the smackdown*
Germany: “Owie…” *surrender/withdraw/LOSE*

Meanwhile…

Scene: Russia

People: “You don’t romance me anymore…”
Government: “Now honey, don’t do anything drastic.”
People: “No. This is the last straw. I can’t take this anymore. I’m kicking you out.”
Russia: “Uh… guys? The missus and I are having a little problem. We’re going to have to sit this one out.”
Germany: “Sure, fine. But it has come to our attention that you are unfit parents. We’re taking the children until you can work out your differences. They really are old enough to be on their own anyway.”
Russia: “Noo! My babies! Finland! Ukraine!” *sob*
New Independent States: “YES! PARTY TIME!”
Every Other Country: “We’re watching you…”

Scene: Germany

Military: *is losing*
Hindenburg and Ludendorff: “About that… See, what happened was…”
Kaiser: “Yeah, whatever.” *pulls a Trump* “You’re fired.”
Hindenburg and Ludendorff: “…” *run away*
People: “Oh GAWD, why bother?” *ennui*
Military: “Hey, step it up!”
People: “Uh… no.” *strike*
Military: “Fine, we’ll play hardball. All the strikers—to WAR!”
People: “Uh… no.” *more strike*
Kaiser: *pulls a Marie Antoinette*
Government: “Hmm… This is a problem. Flee!” *flies*
People: “I got the power!”
New Gov’t: “Actually, we got the power.”
People: :(
Government: “I’m thinking peace.”
People: “I’m thinking not.” *strike*
Government: “Away!” *flees*
Allies: *are still laying the smackdown*
Germany: “Can’t…go on…”

Scene: Armistice Day

Allies: “Right, so you lose, right?”
Germany: “…yeah.”
Allies: “Okay. So we’re going to need you to cough up all of your territories.”
Germany: “…okay.”
Britain and France: *mad dash for territories*
Japan/Italy/China: “HEY!”
Allies: *ignores* “Also, your army can’t be bigger than 100,000 and you can’t have any heavy artillery, submarines, or aircraft.”
Germany: *sniffle* “Okay.”
Allies: “And we’re giving the floor to France. France?”
France: “We demand one trillion dollars francs!” *maniacal laughter*
Germany: “…”
Allies: “Oh, also, everything is your fault.”
Germany: “Say what?! To arms!”
Allies: *threaten*
Germany: “Oh, fine.” *signs*
Allies: “HA! WE OWN YOU!”
Hitler: “That’s what you think…”

To Be Continued.

 

Ciao,
~Brinn

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